The Invisible Rulebook

[00:00:00] You're trying your best, you're showing up, doing all the things, but somehow it just feels like you're getting it wrong. But no one ever told you what right was. Quick heads up, this is part of an episode swap with Renee Swanson from the Covert Narcissism Podcast. So today you're hearing one of her episodes. In The Invisible Rulebook, she explains why that feeling happens and why it's not actually you.

[00:00:24] If something in your relationship feels off, but you can't explain why, if you've spent years trying harder in the relationship and yet it just keeps hurting, this space is for you. Welcome to the Covert Narcissism Podcast.

[00:00:47] Today's episode on the Covert Narcissism Podcast is going to be a little different. If you've listened to this podcast for a while, you've heard many of my stories, the patterns I experienced, even the things my clients have gone through, the dynamics that so many of us have lived inside for years without fully understanding what was happening. But today, I want you to hear from the CNG Facebook community.

[00:01:12] This is a group of men and women who have come together to support each other and help neighbor helping neighbor, member helping member through their journey of dealing with covert narcissistic abuse. One of the most powerful things that happens when we start talking about covert narcissism is that people begin to recognize themselves and other people's stories. Someone describes a situation and suddenly you think, wait, that happened to me.

[00:01:39] And often the things that wake people up fastest are not the big dramatic moments. It's the strange little rules, the confusing expectations that make you stop and think, why does this feel so off? Recently, I posted a question in the Facebook community. What was the strangest or most confusing rule your covert narcissist expected you to follow? And when I say rules, I don't mean normal household agreements.

[00:02:08] Some of the rules are spoken. Some are never said at all, but you're still expected to know them. Rules like don't flush the toilet at night if you only pee because it wastes water. Or don't bring up problems after 8 p.m. Or don't talk about our relationship with anyone else. Or don't contradict me in front of other people. Or don't make me repeat myself. Or you should know what I need without me having to say it. That's an oldie but goodie.

[00:02:34] If you didn't follow these rules, then everything becomes your fault. Over time, you adjust, you memorize the rules, and you build your behavior around them. You are hyper-vigilant, in fact, to follow these rules. Until one day you step back and you realize that none of this actually makes sense. Now, when I asked this question in the Facebook group, the responses started pouring in. Many people thought they were the only one who had lived this way.

[00:03:01] So today I want to share some of these responses with you. Because when you hear them, something powerful happens. The fog starts to lift. You realize the confusion wasn't because you were doing relationships wrong. It was because you're living inside a system where the rules are never meant to be fair. Or never meant to make sense. Or actually are just all about control. Now, before I start sharing some of these responses, I want to pause for a moment and address something that came up in the comments.

[00:03:29] One of my longtime followers wrote something that really caught my attention. She said, I have to say, I also promote not flushing the toilet every time if it's only for pee for environmental reasons. And you sharing that, that that's a red flag for folks, has really got me questioning myself. In fact, that's been the biggest, am I a narcissist moment in this group? I'm really glad that she said this out loud.

[00:03:57] Because this is such an important point to clarify. The issue in these relationships are not about the specific rules themselves. It's not about flushing the toilet or not flushing the toilet. It's not about bringing something up after 8 o'clock or waiting until the next morning or having a preference about how the house runs. We all have quirks. We all have preferences. We all have habits. I can make a list of my own and probably laugh about most of them.

[00:04:24] The problem in covert narcissistic dynamics is not the quirks. The problem is the environment itself. The real issue in these relationships was not the specific rule. It's the lack of trust, the lack of mutual respect, the lack of space for anyone else's humanness. It was the fact that there was no room for another opinion, no room to disagree, no room to negotiate. In a healthy relationship, two people can have preferences.

[00:04:54] One person might care a whole lot about conserving water, and that's fine. The other person might forget sometimes. So you talk about it. You laugh about it. You adjust. But nobody is punished for being human. But in a covert narcissistic dynamic, these personal preferences turn into non-negotiable rules and major issues. If you forget or question it or simply do it differently, there are consequences to pay. Maybe it's criticism.

[00:05:24] Maybe it's withdrawal. Maybe it's blame. Maybe it's that subtle shift where suddenly you're the irresponsible one, the disrespectful one, and the problem. And often there's a double standard. The rule is rigid for you, but flexible for them. So I want to be very clear about something here, especially for those of you who find yourself sometimes wondering, am I the narcissist? Having preferences does not make you a narcissist. Having quirks does not make you narcissistic.

[00:05:53] Wanting something done a certain way in your own home, that's not the problem. What matters is whether there is room for other people to exist alongside of you. Is there space for another opinion? Is there space for mistakes or forgetfulness? Is there room for negotiation, curiosity, mutual respect? Because healthy relationships are flexible. They allow two humans to exist together without one person having to shrink just to keep the peace.

[00:06:22] That's exactly why these strange rules become so revealing. It's not the rule itself that's the problem, but the system around it. So with that in mind, let's look at some of the responses that came in. And as you listen, you might notice something very interesting. The rules themselves are often oddly specific, and the feeling behind them, it's incredibly familiar. Now let's get started. One follower wrote in, rule number one,

[00:06:51] don't expect or ask for anything. A simple request to vacuum our apartment, take care of the baby, or do anything he's not happy to do at the moment will be a reason for a fight, and I will be blamed for it. So apparently asking for help is considered a hostile act and breaks the rules. Number two is to be his mom with benefits, and I'd better do it with a smile. Okay, wait, what? Mom with benefits? That's kind of a disgusting concept.

[00:07:21] He wants you to mother him, and let me guess is then surprised that maybe you don't want to be intimate with him, because, you know, that's kind of weird. Number three, picking up slack is my job, not his. If he forgets something, it's my fault that I did not remind him. If I forget something, I'm a lousy wife, a lousy mom, and he's not there to remember about my stuff, of course. So let me get this straight. His mistakes were your responsibility,

[00:07:50] and your mistakes were, that's right, also your responsibility. Well, gee, that sounds like a great deal. Maybe for him. Another follower wrote in, always turn the lights off when you leave a room, and never disrespect him by pointing out that he leaves the lights on in his office 24-7. Well, these are the moments where you start realizing that the rule isn't about the lights. It's about control.

[00:08:19] Because the rules don't apply to them, the rules apply to you. If it was about the lights, the rules would apply to both people. But it's not about the lights. Another follower wrote, we were supposed to be attached at the hip 24-7. I'm going to pause for just a minute and say, let's see how that works out in a public restroom. Okay? She continues, I was supposed to get up when he got up and go to bed when he went to bed. Well, that's straight-up autonomy denied is what I'm hearing here. She says,

[00:08:49] we were supposed to do every task together. Watching TV, washing dishes, taking a shower, running to the store. I had to do everything he was doing, and inversely, I couldn't do anything that he wasn't doing. That sounds absolutely miserable. This is not a partnership. This is supervision? She said, even putting in an earbud to listen to music or a podcast while he was asleep, mind you, this was treated as if I was being sneaky

[00:09:17] and trying to do something behind his back. So apparently, personal space equals secrecy here. She continued, I knew he was a little clingy when he wanted to be on the phone all the time while we were dating. She puts in parentheses, I only put up with it because we had been good friends for 20 plus years, and I thought it was just decades of suppressed feelings finally being able to be realized. And I'm going to say, intensity can feel like love in the beginning. That is a common mistake

[00:09:46] that many of us make. She goes on to say, though, that I told him when he moved in that I wanted to reclaim my commute time because I like to use that time to process my day and decompress. And now that I lived with him, I could talk to him all night. We didn't need to talk on my way home. But then came the guilt trips and accusations. You see, healthy space gets reframed as rejection. A reasonable boundary, I think that's a reasonable boundary, becomes a problem.

[00:10:18] Her last sentence says, but not even being able to pick up my phone to play Candy Crush or scroll Facebook at home without accusations and silent treatment was too much. I didn't stay long after that. So our breaking point can be over something so seemingly small because it is over the entire accumulation of things. It's not about, you know, scrolling on Facebook, on your phone. It's not about whether you talk on the commute on the way home or not.

[00:10:48] It's about the combination of all of this and the environment that was created. By the way, I could see you trying to explain this one to your family. He wouldn't let me play Candy Crush and so I left. This is why it's so hard to explain covert narcissism to people who have never lived it. Another follower wrote in, I wasn't allowed to touch the TV remote, change the channel, and definitely not allowed to cut the TV off. Yes, I do know that the TV remote is the ultimate symbol

[00:11:17] of household power. I went through that in my home as well. Another follower said that the rule was, you have to speak sweetly to me, especially if you want me to do something. So I understand that rule. I've lived that rule and I will say that what happened in my situation was, I just learned really quickly that it was easier to do everything myself. Okay, moving on. Another follower says, I have to anticipate when he needs help and exactly what help

[00:11:46] to give or what not to do because he shouldn't have to ask me for help and needing help actually makes him mad. Needing my help makes him mad. So I need to be prepared to just be belittled no matter what. Well, welcome to the complete no-win scenario. You know, they need your help or want your help with something because that's called a partnership, it's called a relationship, but yet they won't tell you what they need help with. They just expect you to know and then you don't know so you don't do it

[00:12:16] and they're mad at you or you figure it out and you do do it but because they need your help, they're mad at you and so they're just mad either way. And by the way, this goes for men and women. This is not just a he thing. This is also a she thing and this one definitely plays out in the female covert narcissist as well. So this one is really good. I like this one. Number one, they said, you have to say,

[00:12:43] I'm having an intrusive thought and this is in quotes, if anything is bothering you before you bring it up. So I can see a covert narcissistic person standing there in this probably meeting situation like we've called a town hall meeting in the family. We are having a conversation now and saying, okay, if anything is bothering you and you need to bring it up to me, you need to start by saying, I'm having an intrusive thought. I can just picture this happening

[00:13:13] because honestly, apparently needing something requires a disclaimer. Okay. Imagine needing a script just to say that something's bothering you. But if you've lived with a covert narcissist, you know exactly what I'm talking about here. She goes on to say, rule number two is, you need to tell me at least 10 days in advance if you have a work commitment or you want to do something together as a family so that, get this,

[00:13:43] so that I can plan my emotional state accordingly. Oh, that's priceless. What? So you can decide in advance whether you're going to be mad or what, emotionally checked out? Because those are about the only two emotions that showed up at least in my world. Rule number three for this follower was, you cannot leave your office door closed. I don't know if you're working on the phone or just avoiding me. So apparently, closed doors are a threat. But with a covert narcissist,

[00:14:13] everything is a threat. So it does fit the scenario. Number four, my friends are my chosen family. You will treat them as such. I don't trust your friends. They're strangers to me. Now notice how trust only flows in one direction. And I'm going to say it's not even trust because covert narcissistic people have a really hard time with trust. It is personal preference. It is that their friends matter and yours don't. It is that the rules don't flow the same

[00:14:42] in both directions. Things are not reciprocated, which we've definitely talked about a lot on this podcast. So this one, okay, I really like. She says, the rule is don't bring up the past. Okay? The past meaning what? Everything? Like, basically, everything that's actually happened the past, like, starting five minutes ago? She continues and says, all right, don't bring up the past and don't talk down to me in front of others.

[00:15:12] He'd do something shady in mixed company. This is her words. I wasn't allowed to address it right away. And when I'd attempt to address it later, he'd get mad that I was bringing up the past. So basically, I'm supposed to allow him to say or do some shady whatever and I wasn't allowed to have any feelings about it? Well, that's the trap. Yes, you just spoke to it right there. There's no acceptable moment to speak up. These rules keep you quiet. You can't talk about things

[00:15:42] in the moment because, you know, that doesn't work and you can't talk about the past and the past can be anything that is not the current sentence. So it could even be the conversation that you were having, but that is now in the past. Again, it's a no-win scenario. Now, this is a strange one, but I wanted to share it. She says, I was only allowed to go to the gas station Speedway. If I went to any other gas station, he would get angry. Now, this is an oddly specific rule.

[00:16:12] And again, imagine having to explain that one to someone else. You're going to sound absolutely lunatic, but if you've lived in the world with a covert narcissist, you understand the craziness that you're dealing with. So here's a common one that does show up often. She says, if he did something for me, I had to return the favor. He would even say, now that I did that for you,

[00:16:40] what are you going to do for me? Well, nothing says generosity and care like an invoice. Okay, imagine giving someone a Christmas gift and saying to them, now what are you getting for me? Like, who does this? This is the complete opposite of care and compassion and generosity. All the things that they say they have, but they certainly do not live it. One member wrote in,

[00:17:10] he could say whatever he wanted during an argument and excuse it later as just his anger talking. But if my tone was ever different from what he wanted, it would be an issue for years to come. Notice how the rules change depending on who broke them. This is complete entitlement. He is entitled to his anger and you aren't entitled to anything. Now here are some more oddly specific rules. Don't ask me to change the bedding

[00:17:40] after 9 p.m. Okay, I guess we're sleeping on dirty sheets now. Or, here's an idea, you could also use a little of that brain power you have and notice that the sheets need changing before 9 p.m. without outsourcing all the thinking. Another rule was when I asked, begged for him to step up and do more housework, he said, it's normal for women to do the majority of the work. Now I'm going to tell you,

[00:18:10] don't even get me started on that one. That's a whole episode by itself. She went on to say, I wasn't allowed to replace the dishwashing sponge without permission. If the scrub pad fell off, he'd super glue it back on when he had the time, of course, but there was no circumstance that I was allowed to replace the sponge without his permission. Mind you, while you're the one doing the dishes, you're the one doing the housework, the sponge apparently

[00:18:39] required executive approval. She goes on to say, I wasn't allowed to use hot water to wash my face because hot water cost money. What? Imagine policing someone's face washing temperature? It continues, I wasn't allowed to drink Coke anymore because he didn't like Coke. We could only have Dr. Pepper in the house because that's what he liked. Again, the rules don't apply equally on both sides of this.

[00:19:08] Personal taste apparently only belongs to one person. She says, I couldn't go to the grocery store without him because he had to police the food that I was allowed to buy. Your independence was quietly disappearing aisle by aisle. She says, doors were never allowed to be closed anywhere in the house, even bathroom doors when toileting or showering. However, if he closed the door, I'd better not open that door under any circumstance whatsoever.

[00:19:39] Your privacy disappears, but theirs, theirs becomes sacred. Your boundaries are optional, but theirs, theirs are absolute. Okay, the last response that I'm going to give you today. This is eight rules that this person listed. Number one, turn off the lights if you leave a room, but, you know, heaven forbid, I accidentally turned lights off out of a habit when he was in the room. I would hear for days that I obviously didn't care about him.

[00:20:08] Number two, no looking in the fridge for more than five seconds. Number three, no tucking in his side of the bed. Number four, no touching his things. You better ask first and you better put it back exactly as you found it. Number five, if I started watching a TV show on my own and then he watched one episode with me, we were then locked into watching it together. Now that one made me chuckle because I can definitely relate to that one. Number six, laundry had to be sorted by color, red, brown, black, gray,

[00:20:39] white, yellow, greens, not dark and light, not by fabric or washing instructions. Let me guess again, you were the one doing all the laundry, but you had to do it his way. Number seven, the driver got to pick the music, no one else gets a say and he always drove. Number eight, if you didn't do something he asked for whatever reason, he would say, well, next time you need something, don't ask me. When you step back and hear these lists

[00:21:08] all together like this, something becomes very clear. These rules are not about cooperation. They're not about personal preferences. They're not about two people trying to make a household run smoothly. They're about control. What's interesting is how many of these rules revolve around the smallest details of everyday life, the lights, the fridge, the laundry, the TV, the remote, the music in the car, the placement of objects

[00:21:37] in the house. None of these things are major life decisions and yet they become these rigid expectations that you are constantly expected to get right. Control and covert narcissistic dynamics often lives in those small constant adjustments that you are expected to make all day long. It's not always dramatic. It's not always explosive. In fact, it's often not. Sometimes it's just this steady drip of rules

[00:22:07] and moving goalposts too that slowly train you to scan, to anticipate, to second guess yourself before you do even the most ordinary of things like picking up a TV remote. Over time, you stop acting naturally and you start calculating. Should I turn this light off? How long have I been looking in the fridge? Am I allowed to watch this TV show? Did I fold the laundry the right way? Is this the right gas station? Did I move something that belongs to him?

[00:22:36] Your mind slowly becomes occupied with managing someone else's reactions and that is where the real damage happens. Over time, you begin to lose something incredibly important. the freedom to simply exist in your own home without thinking about it. Your home stops feeling like a place where you can relax. It becomes a place where you are constantly trying to get the rules right. As many of you described in your responses

[00:23:06] and I thank you for sharing those, these rules are rarely consistent. They change, they contradict each other and they certainly don't apply to both people. They almost always come with a double standard. What's allowed for them is not allowed for you. What's forgiven for them is remembered for you. What's considered anger or stress and excused away for them becomes disrespect or tone when it comes to you and is remembered forever. This is why

[00:23:35] so many people inside these dynamics feel confused for so long. None of these rules by themselves necessarily look like abuse. They look like quirks and as I said at the beginning, it's okay to have quirks, preferences, personality traits. Everyone has those. The quirks are not the problem. The environment is. The inflexibility, the anger, the blame, the moving goalposts, the lack of reciprocity. I can never say that word right but I think I got it this time. Your life

[00:24:05] slowly shrinks. Your voice gets quieter. Your confidence erodes. You begin to believe that you're the problem for not being able to keep up with the rules but hearing all of your responses shows something really important. You're not the only one. So many people have lived inside these invisible rule books and when you hear them out loud one after another it becomes obvious how unreasonable these actually are. If you recognize yourself in these stories,

[00:24:34] I want you to hear this clearly. The confusion you felt was not because you were difficult. It was not because you were forgetful. It was not because you're bad at relationships. It is because you are trying to live inside a system where the rules aren't fair and they were never meant to be. If you're beginning to step out of that system even slowly, even imperfectly, it's okay. It's a powerful thing. Healthy relationships

[00:25:03] do not require you to memorize a rule book just to exist. They make space for two humans to be human and that space is where healing begins. If you are trying to make sense out of all of this and you're looking for a coach, I'm here for you. I will tell you right now that I am running a special. The individual sessions normally a $175. I'm going to run it for $99 for a single session. Just go to my website, sign up for an individual session

[00:25:32] and type the discount code and the word is podcast. All capital letters, podcast. That's it. And you'll get that one session. These are open and available for as long as they last. Look, this is where healing begins and you are not alone in this and I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing. If there were ever an audience that I wish did not have to exist, it would be this one because of what it means you've lived through.

[00:26:01] I'm truly sorry that you understand this so deeply and I'm really glad that you're here. May this be a place of safety, clarity, and peace. You are not alone anymore and you don't have to figure this out by yourself. If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you don't miss future conversations. And if you'd like to learn more about the support, resources, or coaching that is available

[00:26:30] for you, you can visit covertnarcissism.com. While I hate it for everyone who understands what I am talking about, I'm really glad that you're here and I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing. The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only

[00:27:00] and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes. It is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a healthcare provider for guidance specific to your case. This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experience as well as from those that she has worked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism.

[00:27:30] Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist. That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and the information provided. Thank you. If you like the show, please take a moment to rate, review, and subscribe. It really does help the show to grow. Thank you for listening. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.