The War Inside You: Why You Still Miss Them After Covert Narcissistic Abuse (IFS Explained)

[00:00:00] Have you ever been in one of those relationships where something just didn't feel right, but you couldn't explain why? Like your head knows one thing, but your heart's doing something completely different? Before we jump in, quick heads up. This is part of an episode swap with Renee Swanson from the Covert Narcissism Podcast. So today you're hearing one of her episodes here. In The War Inside You, she talks about why you can still miss someone who hurt you. And yeah, this one kind of hits.

[00:00:26] Welcome to the Covert Narcissism Podcast. I'm your host, Renee Swanson. I am not a therapist and you are not a victim. If you've ever experienced covert narcissistic abuse, you may find yourself asking, why do I still miss them or want them in my life, even though I know the truth?

[00:00:47] There is a moment in healing that almost no one talks about. You can see the emotional abuse, the verbal abuse, the psychological abuse. You can see the passive-aggressive behavior and the gaslighting. You can see it all clearly for what it is. And yet inside of you, it still feels chaotic. It still feels confusing. Different parts of you still feel pulled in different directions, leaving you wondering why it still feels so difficult.

[00:01:17] Today I'm going to walk you through how to understand those parts so that the war inside you can finally start to make sense. Because this is extremely common. There is nothing wrong with you. It's different parts of you. What you're experiencing there, this internal back and forth, the part of you that knows and the part of you that still questions, it's not confusion in the way that you've been taught to think about, you know, confusion. It's actually communication.

[00:01:45] It's different parts of you, each carrying their own experiences, their own fears, their own roles, all trying to be heard at the same time. Have you ever had an evening when you got an invitation to a friend's house? Maybe you're going to go to their place, you know, for dinner or something, a gathering, and you both wanted to go and not go at the same time. Maybe it's been a busy week and you were looking forward to a quiet evening at home, and yet you want to go because you want to be there with your friends.

[00:02:12] A part of you, again, wants to go, and a part of you wants to stay home. Well, that's kind of the same thing. It's not confusion. It's communication. It's parts that are going on inside of you that both want different things. It's the same thing, but with covert narcissistic abuse, it's much deeper because it goes way beyond dinner at a friend's house. So this is where there's a framework that I want to start talking about.

[00:02:38] And this framework I introduced last week, it's Internal Family Systems or IFS. It gives us a way to understand this inner world without labeling it as broken. It helps us to see that you are not one single fixed way of being, but that you are full of different parts. Parts that developed over time, often in response to what you've lived through. If you didn't catch last week's episode, I do strongly encourage you to go back and take a listen to it when you have the time.

[00:03:09] That episode lays the foundation for understanding these parts more deeply, and it's going to give you context of what we're going to walk through today. But if you're here right now and you missed last week, that's okay. You're still going to be able to follow along. Just go back and grab it when we're done. Some of these parts that we're going to talk about, they work really hard to keep things together for you. They try to manage, to anticipate, to prevent anything from ever going wrong. Well, these are your managers.

[00:03:39] There are other parts that they step in when things feel overwhelming. They try to soothe or distract or shut down things as quickly as they can. These are your firefighters. And then there's the parts of you that carry the deeper wounds. The hurt, the fear, the grief. You may not have had space to feel these feelings in your past, but now they're here. Maybe you haven't even felt them for most of your life, but now they're here. These are your exiles. None of these parts are the problem.

[00:04:08] Even the ones that feel the most confusing or the most frustrating, they're trying to help you in some way. They just learned their roles in a different time under very different circumstances. So instead of trying to silence these parts or push them away or tell them that they're wrong, what we're going to do today is something very different. We're going to begin to listen to them. I'm going to walk you through a simple process, something that you can return to anytime you feel this internal conflict rising.

[00:04:38] Not to fix it, not to force clarity, but to start building a relationship with what's happening inside of you. Getting to know yourself is one of the greatest journeys of this life. But when you've been living in a covert narcissistic dynamic, whether from your childhood or marriage or both, you don't get the space to get to know yourself. And so now it's time that we do that. Please know that you don't have to do this perfect.

[00:05:05] In fact, perfection is one of those things that keeps us trapped in the covert narcissistic dynamic. So we're going to throw that out the window. You're not trying to do this right or correct or, you know, get an A plus on your exam at the end of it. You're simply learning how to stay present with yourself in a new way. It's just a new language, a new way of looking at this that might help you to move past the perfection and the self-judgment and the self-doubt. So let's begin.

[00:05:34] Imagine your day. You're going about your day. Things are good. You're focused on work. It feels like a pretty successful day. You're working on your kid's schedule and taking them to their different events, and everything seems to be okay. Maybe you even have a fun evening planned with your friends or maybe a quiet night at home. But then out of nowhere, seemingly out of nowhere, you feel this incredible urge to check their social media. And you know who there is.

[00:06:02] I'm talking about the covert narcissist in your world. You feel this strong urge to reach out. And it's a consuming pull. You can't even think about anything else now. And it triggers an entire cascade of thoughts and feelings. Because now you start replaying something that they said that maybe was actually sweet and kind. And you feel that pull, that longing, that quiet voice that says, maybe it wasn't that bad.

[00:06:31] Now, in that situation, let's hit the pause button. And let's use this six-step process from IFS to break this moment down and walk through it. Now, those six parts are find, focus, flesh, feel, befriend, and fear. Now, let's dive into those. First, find. What part of me is showing up right now?

[00:06:58] Is it a manager, a firefighter, or an exile? You might notice a part of you that misses them in this scenario that I just put forth. A part of you that's reaching for connection, for familiarity, for safety. At the same time, there may be another part in the background that's screaming, no, we're not going back there. Now, know that that is simply another part of you. And I know it feels so contradictory and confusing.

[00:07:25] But that's because you, like all of us, are made up of different parts. Again, to think about the evening with friends where I want to go and not go both at the same time. This is the same, only it lands much deeper when you're dealing with the covert narcissistic abuse of years and decades. So these are multiple parts. And I don't want you to try to work with multiple parts at the same time in this process. You need to just choose one and let's sit with that one through this process.

[00:07:54] So right now, I want to stay with the part that is screaming to reach out on social media. The part that's missing them. So as you sit there with that part, the part that feels this pull, this longing, this need to check in, replaying the good moments, I want you to just gently ask, what kind of part is this? Is it a manager? Is it a firefighter? Or is it an exile?

[00:08:18] Now, at first glance, it can look like it's just a part that's longing, a part that's just missing them. And there may absolutely be an exile underneath that is carrying this deeper pain, the grief, the sense of loss, or even abandonment and rejection. But that part is not the part that's driving the behavior right now. The urgency, the I need to check, the inability to focus on anything else. That is a firefighter.

[00:08:48] Firefighters move in quickly and intensely. They don't wait. They're trying to put out the emotional fire as fast as possible. And they will do that through whatever means that they need to, to bring relief in the moment. So in this case, it's the firefighter that may be using checking social media or replaying the good memories or pulling you back into longing as a way to soothe that deeper exile.

[00:09:15] That part of you that is starting to rise a little bit. The firefighter is not trying to hurt you. It's trying to help you not feel something that feels too overwhelming. It is trying to protect the exile that lies underneath. Again, we're not working with multiple parts here. We're working with the firefighter. But you do need to acknowledge that the other parts are there. The exile is the part that carries the deeper wound. It's the part that may feel alone or rejected or not enough or afraid of being abandoned.

[00:09:45] So you may begin to notice it. There is a system here. But for this moment, we're going to stick with the one part. We're going to stay with the firefighter. The one that showed up in your awareness first because it was that urgency to check their social media. Because when you begin to understand that part, instead of fighting it or judging it, something inside of you just starts to settle down. So to begin this process, gently name it.

[00:10:13] This is a firefighter and it's trying to help me. Now step two is your focus. What does this part feel like right now? And where do I feel it in my body? As you ask that, see if you can gently shift out of analyzing and simply shift into noticing. Maybe there's an ache in your chest, a heaviness. It's something maybe that's pulling you deep inward. Maybe it's a tightness in your stomach that wasn't there a moment ago.

[00:10:43] You might feel a restlessness in your body like you can't quite settle down. Something is pushing you to act. Maybe your mind is racing, looping the same thoughts over and over, and it just feels hard to slow down. Whatever it is, just notice it. If it helps, you can even place your attention there, almost like you're sitting beside that sensation instead of trying to move it. You're not trying to calm it down. You're not trying to make it go away. You're just noticing that it's there.

[00:11:12] Because this is where that shift happens, not by fixing the feeling, but by allowing yourself to actually feel the feeling. By being able to sit with it without running from it. This takes us to step three, which is to flesh it out. What does this part believe, and what is this part trying to do for me? As you ask that, just stay curious.

[00:11:40] You might begin to hear thoughts that are connected to this part. It might be saying, I just want things to feel good again. Or, what if I made a mistake? Maybe it wasn't that bad. Just let those beliefs surface without arguing with them. Sometimes we're quick to jump in and argue going, but wait a minute. It was that bad, and here's why, and let me go back to my journals. And that's valuable, and it has its space.

[00:12:06] But if we always just shove these feelings down and never let them surface and never let them be validated, then we're doing to ourselves the very same thing the covert narcissist did to us. You need to let your feelings have a voice here. Let them surface without arguing with them or trying to correct them. You've been through enough of that. This is a no-judgment zone. Now go one layer deeper as you flesh this part out.

[00:12:34] What is this part trying to do for you? Even if the thoughts feel confusing, even if they feel like they're pulling you backwards, this part is not trying to harm you. Your parts work to protect you. It may be trying to bring you back to a feeling of closeness, to a sense of relief, to something that once felt like safety, even if that safety was not consistent or it wasn't even fully real.

[00:13:02] This is really important to understand here. This part is not trying to take you back into the relationship. It's trying to take you back to a feeling, to a feeling of safety, to a feeling that things were okay, to a feeling that your system still associates with connection or comfort or not being alone, a feeling that you had within the relationship when things returned to that magical being okay land again.

[00:13:31] To save that exile part that's hurting right now, the firefighter pushes you back towards that feeling. When you can begin to see that, something starts to shift. Because now you're not fighting that part going, No, but I want to stay out of the relationship. And I get that. But now you're starting to understand why those feelings are there. Now, step four is labeled feel.

[00:13:57] And I know we're just already talking about feeling those feelings, but this is a little bit different. This is a shift. This is what do I feel toward these feelings? What do I feel toward this part? And this one matters more than it may seem. Because noticing your own feelings about your feelings is a very powerful tool to keep you in the present moment.

[00:14:23] When you are observing within yourself, it keeps you in your reasoning brain and out of your survival brain. So now you are feeling your own feelings about your feelings. As you look at this part, the one that's pulling, longing, replaying, notice what comes up inside you towards it. You might feel frustrated with it. Maybe you feel ashamed of it, like, Why am I still doing this?

[00:14:51] Or I should be past this by now. Many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse go through this. And I want you to simply pause for a minute. Because that reaction, that frustration, or that shame, it's another part of you. This part is tired. This part wants relief. This part may be judging or trying to push this all away. And so instead of getting pulled now into that part, just notice it.

[00:15:20] Gently come back to the original part you're working with. The firefighter. So now instead of judging yourself or trying to silence this part, just look at it. The longing for them. The drive to check their social media. Look at it with curiosity. Maybe even a hint of compassion. This part is longing for you to have relief. And we all deserve it. We certainly want it at this point.

[00:15:47] It's working hard to help you feel okay. You don't have to force the compassion. You're not trying to override what's there. But even a tiny shift from frustration to curiosity is enough to begin to change your relationship with these phases that you are going through. Now step five is to befriend it. What might this part need me to understand? What does it want me to hear?

[00:16:17] Again, pause here. All of the steps have a pause button. You don't have to go searching for the answers. Let them come to you in whatever way that they do. It might come as words like, I feel alone. Or I'm scared. I don't know how to replace what we had. Or I'm afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Or it might not come as words at all. It might come as a sensation. A heaviness. Maybe even an empty stillness.

[00:16:46] That's, you know, there's just no words. It's beyond words. Whatever shows up, just let it be there. As it shows up, see if you can receive it. Without interrupting it. Without correcting it. Without trying to talk yourself out of it. This part is not asking you to fix everything right now. Your fix-it mode, in fact, needs to stand down for a while. This part is asking to be heard. To be felt. To be seen.

[00:17:15] For many people, this is the first time that that part has ever been listened to in this way. The narcissistic people in your life have certainly not paused and listened to your feelings. But now, you can. Simply stay with it for a moment. Let it say what it needs to say and let yourself hear it. Now, the last step in IFS is called fear.

[00:17:41] And I kind of don't like that it ends with the word fear. But it's not talking about being afraid of that part. It's talking about the question that goes with it is, what is this part afraid would happen if I don't listen to it and do what it says right now? Again, as before, ask this with curiosity and openness. Sit with it for a moment. You might hear something like, I'm afraid I'll always feel this empty.

[00:18:10] Or I'm afraid that I'll end up alone. Or I'm afraid that I'll regret letting go of this relationship. Let that fear land. This is the heart of the process. Because this part, the part that's screaming at you to check their social media, remember, go back to what the firefighter is doing, the one that's replaying all the good moments and trying to get you desperately to hang on to those. It's not trying to confuse you. It's not trying to sabotage your healing. And like I already mentioned,

[00:18:39] it's not even trying to get you to go back into the relationship. It's trying to protect you from a pain that it does not believe you can handle yet. That pain that is deep inside of you. That other part that we talked about. The exile. And it's full of fear, grief, and confusion. That is a part of you that needs this entire process all over again. So please make sure that when you complete this with the firefighter, go back and do this with the exile when you're ready.

[00:19:09] Explore that in the same way. Now back to the firefighter. Its fear for you likely did not come out of nowhere. It was shaped throughout your life. In moments where something felt overwhelming or uncertain or unsafe. And over the years, you've almost certainly responded to the drives of this firefighter. But now, as you are learning and healing and finding safety within yourself and growing,

[00:19:37] you no longer need to let the impulses of the firefighter drive you. Now you can take a step back. You might gently say to this part, I hear you. I see you. I understand what you're trying to do. You might even say thank you. Tell it thank you for all the years, maybe even decades, that it has worked so hard to keep you safe. Tell that part. I can see how much you've been carrying.

[00:20:07] I can see how hard you've been trying to protect me from something that felt so big, so painful, and so overwhelming at the time. Let these words land softly, gently, genuinely. This part of you likely has never been spoken to this way before. And then gently, without force, without urgency, you might begin to let it know something new. You might say,

[00:20:35] things are different now. I'm not in that same place anymore. I have more awareness now. I have more support now. I have more space within me to feel the things that I could not feel before. And then very softly, you don't have to work this hard all by yourself anymore. Notice you're not telling the firefighter to stop. You're not pushing it away.

[00:21:03] You're not taking its job from it. You're simply letting it know that it's not alone anymore. And this is how trust within yourself begins to build. Not by forcing change, but by showing up consistently with your own presence, curiosity, patience, compassion. That compassion that you have poured into everyone else for years, now it has a soft place to exist within you.

[00:21:33] As we close today, I want to remind you of something very important. Nothing that you have experienced in this exercise means that you're broken. Nothing that you noticed means you're going backwards. It means you're becoming aware. It means you're beginning to listen to yourself in a way that maybe you've never listened to before. And that is powerful. For so long, you have been taught to override yourself, to question your own instincts, to doubt yourself,

[00:22:03] to silence what doesn't make sense, to push through what doesn't feel right. And even today, even if just for a few moments, you did something a little differently. You paused. You noticed. You stayed present. That matters so much. You are not trying to eliminate these parts. You're not trying to rush your healing. You are learning how to be with yourself in a new way.

[00:22:29] Because the war inside you does not end by forcing silence and white-knuckling your way through this. It ends when every part of you realizes it no longer has to fight to be heard. So as you move through your day or your week and something comes up again, and it probably will, come back to this process. Put these six steps somewhere that you can see them easily. Find, focus, flesh, feel, befriend, and fear.

[00:22:59] Let this be something you return to, not to get it perfect, but to keep yourself showing up for you in a new way. And each time you do, you're building more trust within yourself. One moment at a time. Now, if you want coaching as you go through this process, I invite you to reach out to me. Even a few sessions will give you the tools that you need to go forward from here. My website is covertnarcissism.com. Click on the coaching part and you can find all the options that I have.

[00:23:29] There is no pressure, but I am here if you need me. I wish you so much peace on your journey of healing. If there were ever an audience that I wish did not have to exist, it would be this one. Because of what it means you've lived through. I'm truly sorry that you understand this so deeply. And I'm really glad that you're here. May this be a place of safety, clarity, and peace.

[00:23:59] You are not alone anymore. And you don't have to figure this out by yourself. If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you don't miss future conversations. And if you'd like to learn more about the support, resources, or coaching that is available for you, you can visit covertnarcissism.com. While I hate it for everyone who understands what I am talking about, I'm really glad that you're here. And I wish you so much peace

[00:24:28] on your journey of healing. The information provided by Renee Swanson, Covert Narcissism Podcast, and CNG Life Coaching is for educational purposes only and is not to be used for diagnosis purposes. It is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care. Please consult a healthcare provider for guidance specific to your case.

[00:24:56] This material discusses narcissism in general. Renee shares stories from her personal experience as well as from those that she has worked with for several years. Her material does not claim that any specific person has narcissism and should not be used to refer to any specific person as having narcissism. Permission is not granted to link to or repost this material to support an allegation or support a claim that any specific person is a narcissist.

[00:25:24] That would be an unauthorized misuse of the material and the information provided. Thank you.