You Are More Than Your Worst Mistake: Ranae on Healing After Prison, Resilience, and Second Chances — Part 2

[00:00:00] Hi all, this is part two of a two-part episode. Hey there listeners, welcome to Sht That Goes On In Our Heads, our podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right, I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we're here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests.

[00:00:24] Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion. Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads.

[00:00:46] You went through the court case, now you're walking in and when you talked about that visual of like the doors closing behind you and that being the moment where you were like, okay, if I can help, I gotta help other people. How did you maintain, because to me that seems like such a very healthy, selfless mindset?

[00:01:08] So I had, I had, I'm gonna stop you because I think I know where you're going and you're saying it's a healthy mindset. So I did have to do a little counseling pre going in. And I had another really bad downfall, bad time previous to getting sent. And what had happened was it was taking forever. You guys can't imagine. I mean, this is years.

[00:01:38] This isn't months. This is years of living in your community. Your husband's still going to work every day. Both my kids are in college now. And I found out who my real friends were, which was wonderful to find that out. Terrible to find out who wasn't your friend. But now I look back and say, oh, what a great thing, right? But I did one day, I was going to kill myself. It was a whole thing. It was a family issue along with this.

[00:02:05] And I was so depressed and so anxiety ridden that I could not even get out of my bed. If I could have, I think I would have killed myself. But I called my pre-trial probation officer, who was a wonderful guy. And he knew I was not kidding. And he called my husband at work. My husband came home and got me.

[00:02:32] And they brought me to a facility in Sioux City, Iowa. And I spent a little over two weeks there getting my head on straight, saying them telling me, you've come this far. What are you going to do now? Will you face the worst of this? I'm thinking face the worst. I have to go to prison. But anyway, face the worst with myself, which I knew I had not. Because at this point, I had never talked to anybody about what happened to me.

[00:03:00] My mother and my sister were the only two people in my world who knew, and the people who did it to me, of course, knew what happened. And so I had to face that. I had to go to prison. I had to leave my boys. I had to leave my husband. I had to leave everything I ever knew. And I'm a little town, Southwest Minnesota girl. And what is going to happen to me here? And so all those things are going through my head. But Matt, that was my pre-probation officer, came and visited me every day

[00:03:29] and brought me a Diet Coke and talked to me. They are, I had great probation officers all the way through. So I will never talk badly about them. Came and visited me. I went to some group counseling. A lot of it, I just feigned my way through and lied so I could get out of the room and not have to talk to anybody. But at that point, I did decide that I could heal, that I needed to talk to somebody about what happened to me.

[00:03:54] And I will openly and plainly say that I did not go to prison because I was sexually assaulted when I was a preteen. I went to prison because I committed a crime. But a lot of the choices that I made were directly related to the fact that I never healed from my trauma and I never talked to anybody about it. It, things just kept getting shoved under rugs. And so while I was in for that two weeks, that is when I started to decide that it's

[00:04:24] either now or never. So, jump forward. We get charged, we get sentenced. I get the top of my sentencing guideline, which was crazy. My attorney thought I was going to get the bottom. Later, I got it explained to me why I got that from my judge. But I took it and they said, do you want to appeal? I said, absolutely not. This is it. This is what I did. This is what he gave me. We will take it. And Kev said too, right away. He's like, we will live through this.

[00:04:55] And so I had six weeks before I had to turn myself in. So I spent time with my kids. I got my everything in order as I could. I started to read a few books. And the day Kevin drove me to Waseka, Minnesota, he cried basically the whole way. I didn't cry at all. I mean, I was, I was sad. But I'm like, what's crying going to do? It's going to make me a mess. And I'm going to be physically ill by the time I get there.

[00:05:23] Because that's usually what happens with me with crying. And we walked in the door and they said it'll be a few minutes. So Kevin and I sat in the waiting room. And a lady came out and said, Miss Van Ruppel? I said, yes. She said, we're ready to take for intake. So she said, say your goodbyes. And I turned around and I hugged Kevin. And I did have a few tears when I hugged him. And he is just sobbing. And I am. And so that hurt me so badly.

[00:05:51] But I'm like, I can't sit here and do this. I have got to start. And I walked through the doors. When those doors clicked behind me in my head, I said a little prayer. And I said, please help my people be whole that I hurt. And please help my family be okay. And please help me find out who I am. And that was it.

[00:06:18] And I walked forward and I didn't even turn back and look at Kevin. And Kevin said that was so much better that I didn't. That I just kept going like he knew I was stoic. He knew I was going to do this. We had talked about it how many times. And I started slowly. I started slowly helping myself and deciding that I wanted to help others. And they were little steps. Because things don't happen in anything with the federal government. They do not happen fast. So you can't get into classes. You can't get into here.

[00:06:47] You can't get into there. But I had gained weight. So I went to my physicals there. I started losing weight. I started walking. I started doing physical exercise. And with every step I took, I was like, okay, this is another step that I'm taking. I got into classes I could take. Self-esteem classes. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in my life that started analyzing what had happened to me as a child.

[00:07:14] And how my brain reacted to that and what I needed to do. And he actually put me on a few meds. I had never been on meds. And he said, what this is going to do is give you an even playing field with the other people around you. And it's going to help you sleep. That's another thing I hadn't slept for years. Sleep? What is sleep? A couple hours here. Have you guys ever been there where what is sleep? Oh, yes. Unfortunately, yeah. As a small business owner, that is me every day. I am sure.

[00:07:45] Sleep. And then you add anxiety and trauma and all of that in. So he gave me something that would help me sleep. So I can honestly say the first night in prison, I didn't sleep well. The second night, I probably slept eight hours for the first time in years. Wow. And yeah. But like I said, I took it all small steps, scared to death, missing my family, learning what prison was about.

[00:08:10] But also meeting some of the most wonderful people, both employees of the Federal Bureau of Prison Systems and fellow inmates that I had ever met. Oh. And so that's how I started.

[00:08:35] So the prison that you went to was a medium security or it was medium security. Okay. Yep. Yep. It was. So there was a section that was there for campers, minimum security. So myself. So we had our own building. We kind of had our own set of rules. Like we could stay up all night and watch TV if we wanted. We could go out in a little courtyard area that was only for us any time of the day.

[00:09:03] But the prison as a whole ran on time to move. So you could move for eight minutes every hour. The buzzer would ring. You could go elsewhere on compound where you needed to go and you had to be there within eight minutes. And if not, you got a shot and you do not want to shot. But I don't know if I told you this G-Rex in our original little talk. But the place where I went was Wasika, Minnesota.

[00:09:32] The prison in Wasika used to be the University of Minnesota Wasika. I did. I participated in like, it's like a debate quiz bowl type team. Our team went to state and that's where our state was held every year was at Wasika. Also, my high school boyfriend went to college at the University of Minnesota Wasika and I went and visited him.

[00:10:01] So I had. Wild. It is wild. It is wild. So I had been there previously when I was not a, not an inmate. And in fact, you'll know how the people that I am in contact with in my life have a sense of humor. My, my boys knew my high school boyfriend because he was a referee for them in basketball. So they would always tease my boys like tell your mom she was the naughty one. And this is before any of this happened.

[00:10:30] And so Brant ran into him at a grocery store in Sioux Falls and said, hey, make sure to tell your mom not to do what she did last time she was at that place. So it was like, so there was always some humor that was involved. There was always some humor and those things would like make you laugh and brighten your day. And like, okay, so there is a real world outside.

[00:10:53] And even though something I tell anyone going into prison is you have to let the outside world be the outside world and you have to take care of yourself inside because you can't control what's going on outside. They can't control what's going on inside. You just have to learn to have those be two separate entities. It was so great to hear little like joking things about that. So I can't imagine how hard it was though, right?

[00:11:17] Because you, you don't have having all these creature comforts at home and then you're in prison. And now you have to kind of like find yourself, find a new rhythm. And look how, like how you came out on the other side of that. Well, and I'm not going to tell you that it was easy at first, G-Rex, because it was not.

[00:11:39] I mean, I cried more than I wanted to, but I usually tried to do it in the shower or in a bathroom stall because you never let them see you cry in prison, right? That's the whole thing. But I was lucky because my first roommate were all white collar crime people, just like me. I mean, I hate to say the words white collar crime because they don't like it there, but it really is financial crime and from similar backgrounds.

[00:12:06] So we all kind of had a commonality and some of them weren't ready to be well. A couple of my roommates weren't, but yet they could understand things that I was going on in my head when I was missing things at home. And I met some of the best people who I would have never thought would become my friends in prison. And to this day, they are my friends. And they protected me, took them, took me under their wing.

[00:12:34] And then as I got in a little bit longer, I started to take people in. And that's kind of what you do. And saw a lot of things I never thought I'd see. A little girl from Southwest Minnesota with 500 people in my hometown. Did I ever think I would see some of the things or hear some of the stories that I heard? No, but it opened my eyes. The fact that there is a much bigger world and that we are all the same in so many ways.

[00:13:03] We are more the same than we are different, all of us. No matter what your DNA says to you, no matter what your nationality is, no matter who you love, no matter who you don't love. We are all physically so much the same. And if we learn to love each other and do things with each other and accept other people's faults as well as their greatnesses, our world is going to be such a better place.

[00:13:31] And so I can honestly tell you, I came out a much healthier person mentally, but also a much more broadened person. When I look at someone now and someone says, oh, they did that or oh, they did that, that isn't what I think. I think, oh my goodness, what happened to them to make them want to make that choice?

[00:13:55] Or if they say this person loves that person or that person's having an affair, I'm like, who is it for us to judge who we love? I mean, that, that is so not true. That is just, yeah, yeah. Love who you love and love them hard and spend time with them because that's what makes the world go around, not judging other people every day. So, and just be kind to people because you have no fucking idea what's going on with people. None. Exactly. Exactly. Zero.

[00:14:26] Zero. That is true. And it doesn't take much to be kind. It takes a lot less to be kind than it does to be nasty. It takes a lot more effort to be nasty. But anyway, that's kind of where I am in Waseca. And then I joined the dog program there. So I get a little bit of that and that's fun. And what's the dog program? Okay. So in the federal presence is prison system. They train service dogs. And so I got involved in that.

[00:14:56] But just as I was getting involved in it, I got moved to a different prison because a minimum security open, which turned out to be a, at first I thought it was horrible because it was way further away from home for my boys to come visit, for my husband to come visit. But it turned out to be the best thing ever because I really met the person who would not take any of my shit and would not let me lie. Because as a salesperson, as anybody who's had a business, who has managed people,

[00:15:26] and someone who has been through everything I was, had been through, I believed that I could pull the ball almost over almost anyone's eyes. And I knew I could. I was, I could manipulate because of my past. And this lady took none of it. I mean, she is like, if I would start in a session and I would start not telling you the truth, she'd be like, get out and come back when you're ready to tell me the truth. Nice. She's very nice. Not to give me shit. Nice.

[00:15:56] That is correct. And she's about 5'2", and about 6 inches around and... Small but fierce. Oh yes, definitely. And she was a twin and her husband was, or her identical, not identical obviously, but her fraternal twin was a 6'6 guy. And she had doctors of psychiatry and psychology and he was a brain surgeon.

[00:16:22] So they ran tests together, like on the human brain. And she used to be in the behavioral analysis unit in the FBI. So she had seen it all. And she again was not going to take any crap from anybody. And she did, did help me see the error of my ways, the error of my thinking patterns, started to make me realize that I was not the bad person I thought I was, that I was just doing that all on my own. That was all figments of my imagination.

[00:16:51] And those were choices I made and thoughts I let into my head. And that was not who I was, that I did have moral values, that I was raised correctly, and that we could come to thinking differently, that we could have positive thoughts and make positive choices. Now, I can't tell you why I make positive choices and have positive thoughts all day long, every day, because that would be a huge and terrible lie. But I really try to like back up.

[00:17:19] So when I'm going down that road, I'm like, okay, that was not a good thought, or that was not a good choice. So what can I do next time to make it better? Or how can I think differently? So, yeah. I love that. Who would have thought, huh? Shit. Who would have thought that you go to prison and you come out healthy? I mean that. Yeah. In more ways than one.

[00:17:46] And like, finally being able to confront some of that past that you hadn't been before prison. That's crazy. I know. That was another thing. When I told Kevin, he was like, and you didn't tell me this, why? I said, because I didn't tell anybody. So, but those are things and our marriage has gotten strong because of that. Just saying, why didn't you tell me? Or why did you do this? And both of us, Kevin was very much, he was a Renee pleaser.

[00:18:13] I won't say he was a people pleaser, but he wanted to please me. And so anything I wanted was fine. And that is not the man I'm married to anymore. And I'm so glad. Now we talk about things and we talk about our relationship and yeah, because I tried to get rid of him. I didn't want him to have to go through everything I was going through. So I tried to get him to get to leave. I'm like, you do not want to be married to me. And he said, yes, I do. I'm like, no, you don't.

[00:18:43] Quit being nice. Stop it. And yeah, we found out that we really do kind of like each other most days. So. But what I think is awesome too, is like you highlighted something is like not everybody that comes out of prison comes out healed. Oh, you know, you have to put the work in whether you're in prison or not. Like, even with my own story, like I had to come out of my own prison. To make my life a better life.

[00:19:13] And you said it right there. Prison does not have to be the FBOP or a state prison or a district prison or the prison in the town down the street. Like you told me, you are in your own prison. And so you have to do what you have to do to get out of it. So I really got out of two. I got out of my own. And I got out of the BOP.

[00:19:37] And I always tell people the day I walked out, I was free from prison, but I was also free from so many things that I had carried on my back since I was nine years old. And for the first time, I was like, okay, I can do this. And I knew there was still going to be challenges. There's still challenges every day. We all have them, right?

[00:19:58] But you get healthy coping skills and you do self care and you keep doing the work because the work never ends no matter what happens. So I keep doing the work. Yeah. How was it to adjust back to like the outside life when you got out? Was it easy? Like, was it like, oh, not a problem? I think it was unique for me because I got out during COVID.

[00:20:26] So let's add COVID on to our fun tale. No, I'm really glad that I got out of the BOP during COVID because they was very sad for all of them in prison. But my husband picked me up on May 1st of 2020, right in the heat of it all. And so I had to report to, they call them halfway houses, but that's not really what they are.

[00:20:56] Their regional treatment facility is like an RTF. So I had to check in, but I got to go home because I had no point when I left and I got out early because of COVID. Because of my good behavior, there's a whole bunch of stuff listed. So out of my 51 months that I was sentenced to, I did 36. So COVID helped me get out.

[00:21:19] And I must say that the First Step Act that the Trump administration, that is how I'm going to word it, the Trump administration passed, did help me get out as well. And that is still going on, the FSA, the First Step Act. And there are some really positive things going on with that. And I'm very thankful that we have the FSA and that the Trump administration passed that during those years. So that's what I'm saying on that.

[00:21:50] Gotcha. Yeah, I can't imagine. Yeah, yeah. And I don't like to get in either here nor there with that. But the FSA Act is really a good and positive thing. So. Yeah. I was just trying to picture like, okay, you're out of this building. And then it's like, well, the whole world is locked down though. So like. That's it. And like at the time, you were locked in. So you never left your buildings.

[00:22:16] So for those poor people, I felt so bad because they didn't get a go to gym. So I talked earlier about moving on the minutes when I got to Pekin. I was in Pekin, Illinois. When they moved me, you had free rate. So you could go wherever you wanted to go as long as you were back at your bubble for count. And counting will always remind you that you are indeed in prison. So if you forget throughout the day that you are indeed in prison and not.

[00:22:45] And if you forget that you are simply a warehouse item to the U.S. government, when they count you, you will remember. They tried to beat you down and take away all identity in prison instead of build you up. So you can come out and not recidivate and have a great job or get along with people better. Those are not things that are forced upon you. But count and being a warehouse item are forced upon you every day.

[00:23:15] And rightfully so. I mean, you did commit a crime. And so I'm not taking that away from them. And they have to have a way to keep track of everyone. But it is a very demeaning item that you need to go through. So. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a perspective I never thought of a warehouse item. Wow. Well, you have a number 16756029. That is mine. I will remember it for the rest of my life.

[00:23:44] I will probably get dementia and I will be saying that number. And people are like, what is she saying? Oh, yeah, that was my that was the number I had to remember. Because they would ask you for your number and they would check you off on a list. And you were not a name, you were a number. So the people that you were friends with before you went into the prison system. Did you still have that same set of friends when you got out? No, I am.

[00:24:13] I mean, some people were very good to me and wrote me and a few came to visit me, which I really didn't want them to. But they insisted. And that was I once they were there, I was thankful. But the thought of it, I didn't want them to see me there type situation. And that was my pride that was still there. Once I get there, it was great. But a lot of people who I thought were my friends, I had one say to me and we had been friends forever.

[00:24:40] My husband and her husband were really good friends all through high school. Then we got married, they got married and we were together all the time. Our kids grew up together. Our kids are the same age. And what she told me after she found out what I did, and I told her before it came out in the newspaper, is we can still be friends, but just not good friends. So no, you're not my friend anymore. No, thank you.

[00:25:08] I was so our youngest kids still had a year and a half of school left. And they were on the same sports teams, they were in the same group. So I was very PPK, as I tell my kids, professional, polite and kind to her before I went in. And it kind of kept my head down anyway at that point. But now, no. She was invited to my youngest son's wedding. She tried to hug me. I had stuck my hand out and I said, Brent, we'll be so glad you're here. And I walked away.

[00:25:38] I mean, there are barriers and boundaries and people who are toxic. And if she if I would have came home and she would have said, we still can't be friends, but I'm sorry I said that to you or whatever, I probably would have taken the apology. But no, no, don't try to act like everything's fine now that I'm, quote unquote, okay, because I still have a long way to go. And like I say, the work will never be done.

[00:26:04] And me helping others and standing up for people who do make poor choices, whether that leads to a prison sentence, a broken relationship, a suicide attempt, whatever it is, or just having a really bad day. And I think that I would say, hey, those are the people that I want in my life that admit their fault because we all have them and that lean on others and let others lean on them when they are having a bad time.

[00:26:30] And I think if we all took that to heart a little bit more, and this is what I say when I speak to you, I think the world would be a lot better place. I think if 75% of us did that, the world would be a lot better place. But anyway, I can't change that. But one person who listens to me at a time. So. I love that. I love that. So you. Yeah. I mean, what a story.

[00:27:00] I feel like, oh my gosh, you're vulnerable. Like you're being vulnerable and you're delivering it unapologetically. Like this is the facts. This is the story. And you're able to help people from that. That's like amazing. Yeah. And like, I have a question. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to ask it, but we're going to go with it. So for anybody that's listening now, and they, and in the back of their head, they're like, I have screwed up so badly.

[00:27:29] And I've hurt too many people or I've wasted so many of my years to start over. What do you want them to know? Well, first of all, you are a culmination of everything you've ever done. This is what I tell people. The good, the bad, the otherwise. So take a look at yourself in the mirror. I wish someone had told me this. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and don't just think of all the bad, all the screw up. Like you said.

[00:27:57] The second step is to try to find someone to talk to. Find someone who you can trust. It doesn't have to be a professional. It can be a friend. If that friend's not going to, listen, you might get a few bad answers that you don't want. Or you might get the truth and you might want not want that either. But you need to start by talking to somebody, doing some self-reflection, and finding out, first of all, why? Why do I want to fix this now?

[00:28:26] What is my reasoning? And second of all, I need to start coming up with a plan on how to fix it. And believe it or not, me turning myself in that day that I did was the beginning of my plan. Like I said, it was a very broken, bad plan. But it was the beginning of somehow trying to make things quote unquote right or fix the bad or find out who I was. And that's what I would tell that person.

[00:28:56] First of all, remember you are not just the bad things you did. You are a culmination of all the things you've ever did. And second of all, self-reflection and find someone to talk to. Because that's your first step. And also that first step. It's one step. One step at a time. You're not going to leap and be suddenly healed tomorrow. Okay, I'm going to tell you everything I did and tomorrow I'm going to be healed. No, that's not going to happen.

[00:29:25] But one step at a time and remember who you are. Remember that you are a culmination of everything you've ever done. Not just the bad, not just the good, but everything there and in between. And then like, I love that. And then the second part of my question is, once you got out of prison, what did like the first six months look like for you?

[00:29:50] Besides the fact that it was COVID and the entire world shut down and everybody's wearing masks. But like, how was it to go back into your house and sleep in your own bed and be next to your husband? And you mean like get to shower by myself? And yeah, get to go to the bathroom without someone. When a stall without a door, most of them didn't have doors. There were stalls, but no doors. To look in a mirror.

[00:30:18] I mean, we had mirrors, but like you never saw the full you. I came home and you can't see it now. But when I came home, I was ripped. I mean, part of my coping skills in prison was working out. I learned to run. I don't do it anymore. I don't work out a lot anymore. So some of the good habits I gained in prison, I did let go of Walter. So I won't lie to you about that. And if you look at me, you can see that I don't work out a lot anymore.

[00:30:45] But I kept up with that the first six months because of COVID. Something else that I did is I got my best friend. Kevin's pretty close to being my best friend. But my dog, Cope, is literally my best friend. I had him named before I got home. And that's why my company is called Connecting to Cope. Because not only is Cope a coping skill and learning how to deal with all the good and

[00:31:11] bad shit in your head, but it is Cope. It is my dog. It is. I just knew that's what I was going to do. And we met and that was it. And he is still my best buddy. And he is still my best coping skill. And so those first six months, Cope and I were getting to know each other, playing out the stuff. He was awesome. And my oldest son had gotten engaged the day before I got out of prison. Oh, wow.

[00:31:42] He was going to wait. And my date had changed a couple times. So he had told Kevin, I can't wait anymore. Well, we weren't telling him that I was coming home this time because my date got changed so many times that they'd get excited and then it wouldn't happen. And so what we were going to do is surprise them and have them over. Kevin was going to have them over for Sunday dinner and I was going to be there. I couldn't wait. I got in Kevin's, I got in the car and Kevin gave me a big hug and a kiss and told me he loved me.

[00:32:10] And then he said, I have to tell you what happened last night. I said, what? Trent and Emily got engaged. Like, oh my gosh. So I pick up the phone and I dial it. And Trent answers. He thinks it's Kevin. And I said, oh my gosh, I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you guys. And he's like, thanks, mom. Blah, blah, blah. He's like, wait. Wait a minute. Yeah. Are you on a birth? You're on dad's phone. No, he's, I'm on dad's phone and I can't use dad's phone in visiting.

[00:32:39] And I said, yeah, I got out today. And he started crying and he said the best few days of my life. Getting engaged. That's awesome. I love that. Yeah. I love that. What kind of dog is Cope before we move on? We can talk. I could talk about Cope for hours. He is a golden doodle. And he is a full size golden doodle. So he is a big boy. He weighs about 80 pounds. Yep. Yep. He doesn't shed. He doesn't mess in the house. He doesn't chew anything up.

[00:33:09] His most annoying habits are his judgmental looks that I get when I'm leaving the house. Pulling the blanket off me when I have a blanket on. For some reason, he never wants me to have a blanket on in a chair. And that's really about it. Those are his bad habits. I love that. Oh, and he chews with his mouth open. He does do that. To be fair, I don't know if I've ever seen a dog chew with their mouth closed now that you say that.

[00:33:39] It's correct. Yes, they don't. But he does. He makes a lot of noise. Anybody else, I'd be like, would you chew with your mouth closed? But him, I just think it's cute. Okay, I have two questions for you.

[00:34:04] If you can go back in time to a younger version of yourself to give your younger version some advice, what would you tell yourself and how old are you? I would go back to that little girl, that little preteen girl that had all those troubles after I was assaulted by those boys that I knew. And I would tell that little girl that it's okay. It's okay to be scared. And you are going to be all right. And keep pushing. And don't shove everything under the rug.

[00:34:35] But what I tell her in therapy is just that. It's okay. It's okay that you're scared. It's okay that you don't know what's going on. And you are going to work things out. It's going to take a while. But you are going to work things out. So that's what I would tell her. Because she did not know it was okay. She thought she was the bad one. And that is exactly what happened. So. Okay. Last question is,

[00:35:03] what has been the hardest part or hardest lesson you've had to learn in your life so far? There's so many. It's hard to pick just one because obviously after this conversation, I've learned a few. So I think that it's going to kind of sound strange, but don't give up on the people that love you.

[00:35:30] Because that is something that I really tried to do through all this is I tried to push the people who supported me away, the people that love me the most away. And don't try to push them away. Don't do that. And because they're your support system and you are going to need them. And that does not take away from the people I hurt in my crime, anything.

[00:35:57] It's just that through all that, I still needed people that I pushed and pushed. And luckily, they were stronger than me during those times. And they stayed because I don't know what I'd do without my husband, my boys, now my daughter-in-laws, my four grandkids who are adorable. And that's where we're at. So. Love it. Thank you. All right. Now you get my questions. And I think they're fun. But like they've apparently been hard lately.

[00:36:26] So if your anxiety had a theme song, what is it and why? Okay. One of them, I get two. One of them would be don't go breaking my heart. Because that was a fear that I had through everything. I was bad and someone was going to break my heart. And so that's why I was a people pleaser. And I don't want anyone breaking my heart. And I still had that happen. And I've had that happen in the last year.

[00:36:55] Someone who I depended on and loved and just kind of shoved me by the wayside. And so my anxiety still goes wild. So I'm going to use don't go breaking my heart. And I think the other one would be Queens under pressure. Because that's how I felt all the time when my anxiety was going crazy. When I was trying to juggle the bad stuff I was doing.

[00:37:23] And then also in high school, like even in high school, trying to make people believe that I was not the bad girl, but I was the good girl. I went above and beyond in high school in my job to prove that I was the good girl. That I was not the girl who got sexually assaulted and raped. That I was not that girl. That is not who I was. I was a good girl, the 4.0 student, the one who everyone liked. And really when I didn't like myself at all.

[00:37:50] And so I would just say that under pressure. Gotta love Freddie. So, and David. God bless him, man. That's right. That's right. So, what's your favorite word? Resilient. And I've been asked that before. Either resilient or resiliency.

[00:38:17] One of the two because, but of course they're basically the same. Because I think that's what we all have to be in our lives. And that with all the being kind and that we want to be kind, we have to realize that there are going to be people that we come upon that aren't going to see our side of the story. Or aren't going to believe that you are trying to be a better person. Or believe that it's not okay to not be a Christian. Or to be Jewish.

[00:38:45] Or to be black or white or green or yellow. Or to love yourself more than you love others. Or to love someone of the same sex. Or to love someone of a different sex. So you just need to be resilient. And you need to hold on to your own beliefs. And resiliency is a huge part of that. So that's why I like the word resilience. And what's your least favorite word? Bad. Very good. See? We won't use that word. Okay.

[00:39:14] That's because that word haunt has haunted me. So bad is bad. Yep. Yeah. Now how can our listeners find out more about you? More about what you do? Oh, I'm doing all kinds of fun stuff. Since I talked to you last, G-Rex. So they can go on www.connectingtocope.com. And they can go on my Facebook page, which is connectingtocope.com. Or under my own personal name, which is Renee Van Ruckel.

[00:39:44] I post on there as well. I also have an Instagram account. And I've got some great stuff coming up. I wrote a children's book about how I felt when I was nine. And I've actually got six of them written, but I've got the first one ready to be published. And it should be out this week. And it says, Coke helps Lily find her brave. And it stars my dog. And I made the little girl after my oldest granddaughter.

[00:40:13] Her name is not Lily, but I kind of like mimicked her personality with it. And what it basically tells the little girl is you can talk to people if you think something bad has happened to you. And that you can find out who you are. And that you just need to find us a responsible adult who believes you. And you can make it through. And that's a very little synopsis of that book. But I wish I would have had someone or a tool like that when I was that age to tell me it was okay.

[00:40:43] And I've got another one. The next one is about finding yourself. Being different. That it's okay to be different. And that you don't have to be the same as everyone else. And that you need to be true to your own heart. And so Lily finds that out with Coke's help as well. So I'm working on that. And then my own book. I'm working on that too. But that's a work in progress. So that'll be a while. But the little kids book. So like I say, the first one will be coming out on Amazon probably this week.

[00:41:12] So yeah, I'll send you guys one. Yeah. That would be awesome. This has been such a great interview. And thank you for sharing your journey. Because there are other people out there that may be going through something similar. And just don't know how to move forward. That's the toughest part is that first step. That first thing. Saying. And again, I think if people can just tell themselves. I. Please. Anybody out there listening.

[00:41:41] You are not the worst thing you ever did. You are not just that person. You are a culmination of all those things. And if you're out there and you're in therapy. And you have hit a road. Like G-REC says. Do the work. Because I say it too. Keep doing the work. Because you're going to get there. And you're going to have good days, bad days. And every other kind of day. And if you just keep doing the work and believe in yourself. It'll be okay. And I just want to say thank you to your husband. For sticking with you.

[00:42:11] And your sons. Right? They could have just walked away. But it sounds like you have such a great, strong family union. Oh, we do. That will keep holding you up. And letting you be the person who you are. And I'll also tell both of you. Holding me accountable. They are my biggest accountability factors. If they see me having a bad day. Or think I'm slipping in any way. And going back to people pleasing. And saying yes too much. Or this was the start of what happened before. Why are you doing this?

[00:42:41] And they will call me on it. So I'm thankful for that. At the time, I'm usually pissed. But then after I think about it. I'm like, okay. You are right. I do need to back up. And evaluate the choices I've made. Like in the last day or week or whatever. And so I'm very thankful for them. For not having the fear. To do that for me. And to love me enough to do it for me. So. Wonderful. Such an amazing conversation. Thank you again. Oh no. Thank you. Thank you. Hi all.

[00:43:10] Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex. And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.