Holly Porter: Near-Death Experience, Long COVID & Mental Health Recovery

[00:00:01] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Sh!t That Goes On In Our Heads, our podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we're here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support because no one should feel alone in their journey.

[00:00:31] Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion. Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Sh!t That Goes On In Our Heads. I'm here with the awesome Dirty Skittles and we have an amazing guest, Holly. Welcome to the podcast. Thanks for having me. Excited to be here. Thanks.

[00:00:58] I love this sweater with the little pumpkins on it. I am ready for, is it fall pumpkins or are we saying Halloween pumpkins? I think they're fall because they don't have faces on them. Let's go with that. And I have my fall leaf earrings. Oh, I didn't see those. Those are so beautiful. Are you located anywhere where you get to see the leaves change colors? I am. We have all four seasons. I'm in southern Utah, so we definitely have all four seasons.

[00:01:25] My favorite is fall. I'm a redhead. What can I say? I like autumn colors. I do too. And I'm super jealous of G because she is where she gets to see it all beautiful and like the wineries and all the different colors of the trees. I'm in Georgia, so I have like green and then like just sticks. You know what I'm saying? I don't get to see them fall. So California, I'm thinking? Wine country, California? No, I'm in upstate New York, just southwest.

[00:01:52] Oh, New York. No, we got wine country on all the coasts. Okay. How fun. I've never been upstate New York. How exciting. Oh my God. You should come. I am telling you for mental health purposes alone. You should come. It's stunning here right now. Oh, I bet. Oh yeah, I bet. My aunt lives in Maryland, Frederick, Maryland. And I know it's not, that's not too far, right? Two hours? Yeah, two hours just down, down south of me. Okay. Very cool.

[00:02:19] So fun. There's so many beautiful things to see. I feel like my bucket list is so long. I'm not sure I'll live enough years to check it all off. I came back from the dead once, so maybe it'll happen. Yes, yes. Which brings us to, how would you describe yourself to our listeners? Like you are an author and you just gave us a little bit of a sneak peek into what one of your books is about. Do you feel comfortable sharing?

[00:02:43] Of course. So the near death shift book is what dying taught me about life, business and purpose really sums it all up. And it's the one I'm most proud of. It launched 1111, which is part of my story last year. And yeah, it's exciting. It's a personal development memoir, spiritual book. And I, and none of my books had ever been like spiritual. They were always more like learning and helping people grow and getting skills and things.

[00:03:10] And it does have that aspect to it with the personal development, but it definitely has a, the higher power aspect to it. Okay. First question. How did you nearly die?

[00:03:21] Oh, well, as most of us suffered during COVID, I think I just suffered a little more than most. I ended up with it in fall of 21. So I got to miss all the leaves that year. And I was in the hospital for 70 days. I had two intubations, a trichectomy, sepsis, some other life and threat threatening infections.

[00:03:43] They said were worse than COVID that I got when I was in the hospital. And so I had lots of out of body experiences. I had a near death experience and a spiritual transformative experience. And I didn't know there was a name for all of those that they were categorized. And when I found out that, then I was like specifically could identify, you know, where and where, what was happening and what it was called. Yeah. How did you learn? How did you learn that?

[00:04:14] About two years after I got out of the hospital, I went to, they have a place called, well, it's a conference every year. It's IANS, International Association for Near Death Studies.

[00:04:25] And they just celebrated 50 years last year. So they're in their 51st year since they cloned the word near death. That word was cloned to use. And a lot of people say they had a near death experience. I've noticed, but it's because they had a life threatening experience, but they didn't actually have a NDE, I guess.

[00:04:47] So when someone says they have an NDE, I look at it that they crossed over and they saw the other side. If they had a near death experience, maybe they just almost died. So like, I always ask those questions now because now I know there's a difference, but I didn't then. And I didn't until I got home from the conference and really started dissecting things.

[00:05:04] And then actually went and had a hypnosis session, which I know a lot of people that scares, but I'm certified in hypnosis. My mentor did it. It was specifically for the near death experience because the others I remembered and then near death, there were gaps to the story missing. And so I was so glad I did that because I know a lot of people think it's hypnosis is weird, but you can come out of it at any time. You're in control. People think you're not in control. There's bad people everywhere. So I'm sure there's bad hypnosis.

[00:05:34] I'm just out there as well. But I went with the intention of what I wanted and that's what I got. And yeah, it was amazing. So that's how I kind of just started learning going down that journey. I didn't even listen to anybody's near death stories on YouTube or audio or anything. Maybe the first one I heard was like a year after my experience because I don't know why I didn't, but I'm glad I didn't because I feel like it would have tainted with COVID.

[00:05:58] COVID came and I was so sick for so long. Still have long COVID. And it's like your brain, it's a brain disease. So like your brain's not functioning. So I'm really glad that I didn't mix anyone else's experience with mine. And I was able to identify what was happening and just needed a little more clarity with the hypnosis session. So Holly, I have a question real quick. Sorry, dirty skittles. My bad.

[00:06:23] So were you a little weirded out by the whole experience? Like heebie-jeebie kind of weirded out or? No, only because I never was afraid to die. I just was one of those people that was like, I never, when you do visualizations, you know, when you're doing personal development, if you have, and they have you visualize in the future and stuff, I could never do that.

[00:06:45] Like I couldn't figure it out. I was like, I have had a couple of weird experiences before all this with that. And I just thought, oh, it's because you're not going to live five years in the future. Or, okay, I just kind of accepted I was going to die young. And so when I'm laying there really dying, no, it didn't weird me out. It was more like thinking, like second guessing, like your bad thoughts start coming in, you know, like, was I enough? Am I good enough? Did I serve enough? And am I leaving a legacy? What kind of legacy am I leaving? Like, those are my thoughts thinking.

[00:07:14] I didn't think, oh, yeah, you suck. You're going to go straight to hell. And you should be scared. I mean, nothing like that. It was just, I don't know if I would say I would have felt peace just because I was so sick. Like, I think it was affecting, I was fighting for every breath, literally. So I think there was more of the focus on getting well than dying. Oh, no fear of dying. Definitely not now.

[00:07:40] And I just want to make sure I heard you right. So did you say like, in those moments, those were the thoughts you were having? Like you were asking yourself, was I enough? What's my legacy? Did I do enough? I'm so, first of all, that is, that scares me a little bit, just the thought of it, because I'm wondering, what were your answers? If you're asking that of yourself, were you like, you know what, I am enough, or I was enough, or I do have a legacy? Like, were you, did you have an answer for those questions?

[00:08:08] Well, I like to think I'm a good person. And so, I mean, I always had service-based companies. I always, I mean, I was in so many organizations, or as in Rotary International, that's a service club. I served on every, pretty much was president or chair, or a member of every board in my town I lived in. So I felt like, as far as giving back, that was not my issues. I was like, no, if I served enough, my family suffered, because I served all the time. I would say, we raised eight children.

[00:08:38] In the same house. And I would say, that was who suffered. Like, more emotionally, I don't feel like their, their physical needs were met, you know? I kept them in things and kept them involved in things. But I definitely think emotionally, I, I mean, how do you separate?

[00:08:52] I was president of Rotary Club of like 100 members. I was over 1400 soccer kids over the AYSO organization. At the same time, I was in the middle of getting my real estate broker's license and, you know, had a bunch of teenagers in the house and ran two businesses.

[00:09:10] I had a fundraising company, was getting my real estate license and I had a salon and spa I was still working in. So like, I look back and I'm like, no, I definitely did enough. Like, that was never the issue. I was not lazy. Nope, nope. That's not even going to go there. But I like, you know, I would say the things that, look up as a mom, as a mom later. And you look back and you think, you know, the regrettable things are, I spent the time with my kids, but I wasn't present. And there's a big difference there. Yeah.

[00:09:38] So that's the stuff that maybe, and like, to your credit, like, I'm talking to you about this, but I don't think that I've looked up videos either or like sought out like what other people's experiences were like. So just hearing that for the first time, you know, I'm like, oh my gosh. Oh, wow. Yeah. Could I lay there and answer those questions? I would tell people.

[00:10:09] Yeah. I always just say to people when I'm on shows and it's not about the near death, like I'm on a whole bunch of podcasts that are just from the near death. Like it takes me like 45 minutes with not them even talking. They just have me tell my story to tell it. So if you're interested in something like that, just take my name, go throw it in YouTube. And there's a whole bunch of those kinds of podcasts that I'm on. But, you know, when we're talking about other things, there's so many other things to talk about. Yeah. So what was the 1111 reference? You said that was part of the story.

[00:10:38] Yeah. So it was in my, it was in, oh, let's see. It showed up many times. So 1111 is, you know, definitely an ascension number for many people. That means a lot. People see it a lot. So if you're wondering, do a little deep dive on that. You know, people can go to AI and it'll give you a whole bunch of references. But for me, when I got my, well, I got out of the hospital number one on 1111. And so that's why I wanted my book launch that day. I just knew that's had to be when it was significant to me.

[00:11:04] And my birthday is 111. And then when I did my hypnosis session and I saw, I was told two things in my near-death experience. Sorry, this might be a little long answer. Is that okay? No, no. That is wonderful. Girl, we got time. Okay. I'm like, then this happened. I'm like, oh, whoa, my brain's going, whoa. So in my near-death experience, I was told two things to do when I was told to come back. Well, I wasn't told to come back. I was sent back. I didn't even get a choice.

[00:11:30] I would probably have stayed, honestly. Because who wants to be here if you're there? Who would? Anyway, but I was told two things. I was told to start a nonprofit called Adventure Bucket Wish. And I was given the name, but I was not given the mission. There's a whole story in that. And then I was told the day I found out I had COVID, I actually was pitching a new company called Retreat R&R. And it was a tech company, like an Airbnb for retreats. So like venues and retreat leaders,

[00:12:00] and you'd book venues for retreats. It wasn't being done. It was so, so badly needed. And I was just starting that. And I had pitched this group of nine people, and they had a billionaire backer. So you can bet I was down with partnering with them. I was like, yeah, I get the money part out of the way. Sweet. This will be great. They're in tech. They know so much more than me. So I was told not to partner with that company.

[00:12:27] And to do it myself, keep it... It needed to stay mine. And it was not the highest and best good. Pretty much that was the gist of it. And so then I came back with two assignments. And I didn't even second guess them. I mean, within four months, I actually got a 501c3 nonprofit in 25 days. That's unheard of. At least from what I hear, that doesn't happen. So really quickly, I got those. I was still half dead. I mean, I was on oxygen forever. For about a year and a half, I really didn't function.

[00:12:57] Well, I walked out of the hospital on 12 drugs, going in with none, being completely healthy before. I walked out. Yeah, 12 drugs, nine doctors. So like everything that could go wrong was going wrong. But I was alive. Yeah, I wasn't really living, but I was alive. And so the one one in the hypnosis, fast forward to that one, I had that session. I was... My intention was to fill in the gaps of parts of the story that just didn't quite make

[00:13:25] sense. Like when I came back from my near death, I spelled to my sister on the alphabet board, because I was intubated. I spelled kidnap to her. And I'm like, she freaked out. She was like, oh my gosh, I ran an error and they said you were doing better. Because that's when I came back. Like, and she said, when you said that, I was just like, what the heck? So I was always thinking part of my story, like, why did I feel kidnapped when I was in heaven? You know, I want to be there, you know? And so there was just those kinds of things that were like, I need answers to these

[00:13:54] and they're not coming fast enough for me. And my brain's not working well enough to remember them. So part of the 11-11, one of the things I saw was a tree and the tree... So when I was told to not partner with that billionaire backer guy, I knew when I did the marketing and the branding, when we created the logo, I knew it needed to have a tree in it. And so nobody questioned it. I didn't either. I just said, yeah, I feel like it needs to have a tree.

[00:14:22] So when the tree comes back, it has 11 leaves and 11 roots, which is one, one, one, one. Like I never had made one change. And there's a whole story behind that with the guy that created it, and why. And I found out later, like all the pieces just kept coming, you know? And so in the hypnosis session, I see the tree and it was just so comforting for me because it was like this little pat on your back, you know, well done. You did what I asked you to.

[00:14:49] And here, you know, this tree you didn't even remember was part of your story. And you went and, you know, did what I asked and then got your logo and that had... Anyway, so it was like, I know that's probably not making sense because there's so much to the story, but it was just like, oh, I knew it, you know? And then, yeah. And then to be released on that day. And I mean, there's so many ways it showed up. So the other thing I will share, the second thing

[00:15:14] with the nonprofit, when we did the first gala fundraiser for the nonprofit, I knew that every little gift bag that I gave out, it had an ornament made out of wood that said hope. And I knew every little bag needed to have a rose quart heart, which is love. And in the hypnosis session, when I got over to the good side of things, I started seeing all this matter. There was matter

[00:15:43] in the other part too, but and it started forming hearts and they were pink. And when I saw that, I was like, it was just that other confirmation. You know what? Here's two gifts for you because you listened, you did what I asked and you're on your way. It's okay. And I had, I'll prephrase that by saying two years, that two years that went between that, I call my two years of hell. Like I

[00:16:05] had, you take every bad day you've ever had and scratch it all into one day. That's the heaviness I felt every day for like almost two years. I cried every day and I'm not a crier. I was miserable. I felt like every, not every relationship, but so many were, I felt like I was repelling everybody. I just was, I wished I would have died every day. I was just like, why would I live to go through this? It was like, and I hear a lot of other experiencers have these similar experiences later

[00:16:35] because like almost like you come back and you came from a different vibration and now you're here. And it's like, you just can't fit anywhere. It's really hard to explain other than how I just did. But when I did the hypnosis session and went to IANS, that was all within about two months of each other. That was like coming out of that two years of hell. And so it was so healing for me to do that hypnosis session. It was just like, I felt like so many pieces of the puzzle. I also was told then

[00:17:03] more will be revealed to you when the time is right. And for normal, I would have been like, no, I got to know everything right now. And I was so at peace with that because it was so overwhelming. And there were so many pieces to the story that it was like, I couldn't have handled. And so like about once a year, it seems like, I'm in year five right now. I'd be in the hospital five years ago right now. It's like, I get a little bit, a little dripping, a little remembrance,

[00:17:29] a little something that helps kind of add to the puzzle. And I love that. Like, it's always like, ooh, you know, like when I was writing my book, I had a big thing that came up and we didn't even end up putting it in the book because it was already written and we were coming out editing. And I just, it was like, eh, I'll just add a chapter later. It's just like, there's going to be more, there's more to the rest of the story. So I love that part that I get more. I think that's really cool.

[00:17:54] I think it's weird. And I have to point out, it's literally 1010. So 1010 today, as we record this. That's a great number. There's anyways, question, because I'm curious, you were told these things. Did you hear it in a voice? Did you hear a voice telling you or were they images? Like, how did you get that information? Yeah, I would say everything was more telepathic. So I don't ever feel like I saw God,

[00:18:21] but I felt like I heard him, but I don't think I heard him like you and I are talking. I feel like, because when I ended up in the near death experience and what I call the stadium of light, there were hundreds and thousands of people in there. Everybody was in like really bright, white clothing. And it was that I could look at somebody, I got to have a whole, I mean, before my thought was done, I had an answer. It was just like, and I mean, that was cool. And I'm sure I don't remember even this much of what I learned there,

[00:18:50] right? I don't think we get to remember all that. And that's okay. If I get drippings later on, I'm open to that. I'm like, come on, bring it on. But yeah, it was more telepathic. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you have that mission. You started across these off your list. What's next? What's next? Well, oh my gosh, I'm in knee deep right now. So while, okay. So while I was writing

[00:19:17] the book last year, I've had 12 startups. At this point, I'd had 11 and I got, and I did, and I'm an idea person. I'm definitely the creative side of things more than the actual, I mean, I'll do things because I need to get done, but I like implementing is like people I need help with. And so I got this idea and I kept pushing it aside because I was like on a deadline and I'm like,

[00:19:41] I am not missing my deadline. And we were like really pushing, missing it. And so I went down the rabbit hole enough. So the idea was an association for the retreat industry, which I already had retreat R&R. And so I'm like, huh? And I'm part of National Association of Realtors. I've been part of building association, coaching association. So like, I understand what associations do.

[00:20:05] So I go down the rabbit hole enough to realize, oh my gosh, there is not an association that exists in the world for retreats. Why not? I'm just like, then I'm curious. And then am I excited? Because I'm an early adopter. I love innovation. And so I kind of made this deal with God. Hey, look, if you will just like, give me a little nudge, give me a little help to get my book deadline.

[00:20:28] So 1111 happens, I will give 110%. I will really focus 110% on this. So we did launch the book 1111. December, we incorporated International Retreat Association. I sunsetted really the other company right now because I knew that was my commitment. 110 has to go to this. And so we started working on this association. We opened up membership for it in May. So that's what I'm like digging in.

[00:20:56] And for me, it's interesting the questions people ask me, what's your goals or what's your why? Really, I never had a purpose. That's why that's part of my book. I never felt like I had a purpose because I always knew something was supposed to be big. My purpose was big. But you know, when you're laying there dying, it's like, that was the legacy piece. Like, am I leaving a legacy? What is it? You know, it was those kinds of questions. And I feel like they've kind of over the last five years just evolved and created and I had to do

[00:21:23] this to get this. And I think we all do. Like we, it's all learning. We can't just end up at the end result without all the work in between. Like everybody has to surrender at some point and say, look, I need help. And so that's what we're doing right now. And it's super exciting. And they're just, there keeps being ideas coming to me that just, I mean, I can't get the ideas all at once. Like I wish I would so I could make a better plan. But for the end game, for me,

[00:21:50] it's philanthropy. I really have a lot of things. And that's where the two years of hell came in. I had to go through that to see the ick of what I want to serve, how I want to help. I needed to like see that because I want to be the check writer at the end. I want to be the one saying, I'm the fixer. I'm going to come in and pay for all this. That's my goal. And I never been money motivated. So like, that's really been a different ship for me is to, you need a buttload of money to do that goal. And it's like, God handed me this life Bible in my near death story

[00:22:20] and said, here's the ending. Now I got to write all the pages in between. And I feel like I'm just getting guided along the way to the house to do that. And it's going to serve so many people along the way retreat industry is blowing up. People want transformation, they want change, they want connection. So that was a very long answer. No, I love it. I loved your answer. So I have to ask you,

[00:22:44] like, in the 79 days that you spent in the hospital, then coming home, did your mental health take like a huge hit? And like, what did you do? What did you do to like protect yourself? Well, it's everything took a hit because my body was just falling apart. I never could figure out why people had one doctor, maybe they needed one, you know, because I was so holistic. And I, there's so many miracles to the story, like scattered in there. I have a whole chapter dedicated and I,

[00:23:14] it's like 11 miracles and counting, I think is what we called it because there's your ones. And I just had so many things. So I, the drugs, I quickly worked to get off of because it just couldn't stand. I don't know how I didn't come out of the hospital after 70 days, not being addicted to something. And I wasn't, I mean, I just, I'm shocked. They didn't have me on like heavy pain stuff when I came out. I think maybe tramadol might've been, I don't think that, I don't know that much about drugs,

[00:23:43] but I'm just saying I like got off stuff pretty quickly, but I had pain four to seven. It was my level of pain all day long, head to toe. I can remember I lost like probably 85% of my hair and I've been in the hair industry for 40 years. So that was devastating. I mean, it was just like, I felt like a cancer patient. It was just coming out in globs. I had to cut it. It was only like maybe inch and a half long because I just had hardly any. And so yeah, that, that was a big,

[00:24:10] I remember just, I remember my husband came up and I think I had something in my hair and he like barely, he didn't even touch my scalp. He barely touched my hair and my nerve endings were all, oh my gosh, I thought I was going to like punch him. I know that I would ever want to, but I mean, it just like, oh, that reaction, you know, because the nerve endings were, I just had never felt pain in my life. So to have four to seven, it was like to live at a four every day is a lot. I mean,

[00:24:35] that's devastating for most people. You kind of got used to it, which sucks to say, but I wasn't going to stay on medication and try to keep that happening, you know? And so I just, yeah, mentally, definitely. I mean, I had a, oh my gosh. I mean, I even, I called it voice lessons. I had a, what's the voice teachers, not the teachers, the therapist, voice therapy. Is it called voice

[00:24:59] therapy? I don't know. Yeah. Voice therapy, voice. Yeah. Voice therapy. I say their voice lessons, but I said that because I was a singer and I did lose my singing voice. I have never got that back. I think I could, but from what I've researched, it would take me about an hour and a half of therapy on my own to do that. I'm like, I don't need to sing that. I mean, I can sing. It just sounds horrible. And I definitely can sing the blues better because it's so much lower than it used to be.

[00:25:28] It's sexier. Maybe I just tell myself, but you know, there's a lot of losses in there, which mess with you mentally as well. But the two years of hell, oh yeah, that was for someone who's an action taker that I mean, I can make decisions quickly. I move through things quickly. Energetically, I move things through. So to have all that kind of stalled. Oh yeah. That was a mess. Like I don't ever want to go there. This is something I will say I learned for someone listening. I hope this helps

[00:25:55] you. If I ever kind of start seeing myself get in that space again, especially headspace, what I would ask myself is, what do I need to learn out of this experience to get through it faster? Because that would have mattered. Like, like, what do I need to hear? What do I need to see? What do I need to learn? What do I need to do to get through this experience that I'm going through quicker? What do I need to learn? Yeah. I love that. That'll help me in just normal fit. So yeah.

[00:26:24] Wow. I don't know if this is a silly question, but like two years is a long time to continue through that tough space. What kept you going? I think the assignments, the two things that I do, I mean, I can't even say, oh, my family, because I saw the other side. I felt like I could do better for

[00:26:50] them on the other side than I was doing here. My kids are adults now. We have 19 grandkids. Love them to death. But it's like, I felt like I wasn't being given that chance. You know, I feel like people, the older we get, the more wisdom we usually have. And that's why we need to respect our elders. And it's been interesting watching, all my kids are millennials. It's just interesting watching the dynamics. I mean, they are not your typical millennials. Most of them are

[00:27:18] entrepreneurs, own their own businesses, very successful. I've had very few of the eight kids like go college, do the normal, get a degree. You know, we're just, we don't learn that way. We're hands-on people. We are people people. We're service-oriented people. And so I feel like there's so many things that were good in it, but the hard, I mean, I feel like they're still hard in it. I feel like I'm way out of where I was, but I think I just had to look at life differently.

[00:27:43] Everything, and they say when you change everything around you, changes. And I think that was it. I changed so much, everything else around me changed. And then as I slowly just figured, you know what, my husband has the best saying, but he just tells me, in the end, it's me and you. Like, you know, we're parents, but we also have adult children and it's not our responsibility anymore to, I mean, we can give them support when they come ask for it, but that's not our job to tell them what to do

[00:28:10] anymore. They don't have to listen. So I like that he says that good reminder for us that have adult children, because there's so many adult children that are going no contact. I don't know if you know, that's like this big, huge thing right now. And it's so heartbreaking to these parents to not understand why, because the power of forgiveness seems to be like non-existence. It's like, we can't change as adults, as parents. Like that was our first time. I remember my mom always saying that,

[00:28:38] you're a teenager, but you guys are my first teenagers. I've never done this before. I'm going to make lots of mistakes. And it's like, you know, we seem to condemn people and judge people so much. And the message I got in the hypnosis session, I will share with you, because if I would have had this message, I believe I wouldn't have went through two years of hell, but I needed to, I needed those experiences and lessons. So that being said, when I had that, when I saw my life

[00:29:03] review in my actual near-death experience, I only saw good. I've done lots of bad things. And I, you don't, there's not a negative thought that enters there. Like everything is so perfect that you wouldn't even think of a question that's not perfect. Right? So later I have these two years as all this is going on to think about this. And I'm like, why did I, where was all the bad stuff? Why did I only have to see the good stuff? We're taught that we're judged and blah, blah, blah. So when I had the hypnosis

[00:29:32] session, you can bet I asked that question because I'd been thinking about it for two years. That was one of my intentions is why I only saw the good. It was fine. I was fine with only seeing good. I just wondered why. So that was a question I asked. And this is what I was told to let that be, of course. And I believe it was my higher power, which is God, whatever that is for anyone else is fine. But I believe that's who I heard. And he said, I'm showing you the good because that's what matters.

[00:30:01] Wow. You're right. That's a God of love. You bet. It was what matters. And then he said this message to me. So this is a message that is so, so important. And I think if all of us live by it, it will shift our thinking in so many things and ways. Does mine every day. Love them where they're at. And just that message would have shifted my reactions for those two years, my judgment for

[00:30:25] those two years. You can't change where someone is. You can support where they are. You can not support where they are, but it's like changes the energy around that. Just love them where they're at. I love that. Thank you for sharing that. This has been... Yeah. Wonderful. It's such a strong relationship. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, these are like, I'm going to have to listen to this again and again,

[00:30:53] because I feel like some of the things that you're sharing here are, I wish I would have heard that during my darkest times. You know, I wish I would have had that hope. And I love that's what you are focusing on providing. So... Can I share another story? A recent story? Yeah. Because I'm always learning, right? And my book, Shift, stands for Surrender, Hope, Intuition, Faith, and Transformation. So those last eight chapters are about that, how I got out of it,

[00:31:19] how people in history support that. So there's a lot of learning in there. But the first one is surrender. And that is the hardest. People ask me all the time, which one of those are the hardest, do you think? Absolutely surrender. Giving up our power, giving in is so challenging for most people, because that's how we get the help to get to where we need to go. But I will share with you a couple of weeks ago, I had recorded weeks and weeks ago, you know, we record these podcasts and then they come out weeks later. So I had recorded on someone

[00:31:48] else's show, a very influential 350,000 YouTube followers. Like I was excited to be on it because I'm excited. I love sharing my story. If it helps one person shift something they think or do or change that day, I'm so thrilled. You know what? It's the one. I'm after the ones. If it's many, great, even better, bonus. But I got on there and I knew they were very religious. And so I, you know, I answered their questions that way. I geared my thoughts that way.

[00:32:16] And I really want to be intentional when I show up on someone's show. So we did it. It was about 38 minutes long. And it comes out a few weeks later and they do a lot of build up to it. So I knew it was coming. It was coming Friday night, Friday night, I happened to see an email. So I, oh, my show's live. Let me go look at it. You know? And thousands had seen it. And I was like, wow, that's quick. You know, but 350,000 followers, I think people follow this guy because he's a very awesome guy, amazing man. And him and his wife do

[00:32:44] this ministry. Well, anyway, I start reading the comments. They're horrible, horribly mean. This is a Christian audience. So I hardly sleep that night. I'm tossing and turning, trying not to look at it. The next morning, I'm a curious person. I go look and it had 4,000 views, had about 135 comments or so. I bet I only saw, so I read everyone. I bet I could conservatively say

[00:33:10] five or six were nice. Like it was shocking. And so the lesson I'm trying to share with everybody here is why are we the judge? Why do we have to, you can think what you want, but to actually purposely go on to harm somebody, to make a comment. I mean, they were saying to the host, you know, I thought you vet these people get better and she's of the devil. And I'll tell you what,

[00:33:37] I had to listen to the podcast because I was like, what did I say? I didn't say anything different than I've said here to you ladies. And I'm like, what did I say? So I listened to it. And I was like, oh, this was a pretty good show. I know it's my story. I know it's my truth. I don't care if anyone believes it. So it wasn't that was bothering me. It was just that it was that, it was that audience, you know, a Christian audience to come back being so judgmental.

[00:34:04] And so it was the word hypnosis. When I brought up the word hypnosis, that triggered everybody. And I'm telling you, and so all, and then I had two other podcast hosts message me on Facebook Messenger that morning and said, we want you on our show. And I'm like, have you read the messages from that? Because I was like, why would you want me on your show? One guy, I was like, I'm going to take a break. I told him the other guy said, I've been on his show twice. And I says, oh, I have

[00:34:30] nothing against the host. He's, he has a wonderful demeanor. I mean, he just runs a great ship. Right. And so then he messaged me later and he said, well, in between that time, I decided I don't need that. My ego is not in that. I don't need that kind of out. I don't need that out there. I'm going to ask him to take it down respectively. You know? So I wrote him an email within the hour, he had it unsubs, unlisted and off. And he wrote me back. He said, I would have never taken it down. I stand by

[00:34:58] you. He just said, you know, you have my full apology and respect. And then he went and wrote this huge sermon. I felt like, oh, that was great content, I guess. He goes and writes this huge message to his audience on Facebook Messenger or on his Facebook. And the guy messaged me and goes, I hope that you saw his post today. I'm like, as a matter of fact, I didn't. So I went and read it. And a lot of it was about how him and his wife and what they had sacrificed, how they've gone through

[00:35:26] all of this to, you know, doing good and people condemning him for it. And that's just how the world is. But it was basically a spanking to his audience, a kind of a shame on us that we treated one of our own. I consider myself a Christian that way and made her feel that way enough to ask for it to be taken down. And do you know, only one, one guy's comment in there said, I listened to Holly's

[00:35:51] whole podcast. And the message I walked away with was to love them where they're at. One person out of, I mean, who knows what everyone else thought, but out of 4,000 that I could see viewed it, one person stood up and actually heard that message. And I thought, why are we so tuned out or triggered? Like so many people said, I couldn't even listen to the rest of the show. I turned it off after she said hypnosis. I turned it off. I'm not listening. That's of the devil.

[00:36:17] You know what I'm thinking? That's your programming and your understanding of it and your thinking and your judgments. And I'm thinking, wow. But to actually physically go and type a comment that is hateful and mean to somebody, I felt better. I was like, glad to have it off there. I just thought, you know what? The same stories out there on probably 50 other near-death podcasts and everything else and probably 150 regular shows. So I'm like, I'm okay. I don't need it. It just,

[00:36:43] it was very sad though. But anyway, it's just a lesson I hope someone's hearing on judgment. Part of that love and where they're at is just sweet. I judge people still. I tell myself every day to love people where they're at because people can trigger us. I get it. Yeah, they can. People, situations, everything is super triggering, but I think what you did, you handled it well. And you know, the same goes for like podcasts too. Like you can listen to us.

[00:37:11] If you don't like us, don't leave a comment. Walk away. Yeah, move on. I mean, I ran for political profits. All my skeletons are out. If they weren't then, they are in the book. It's real juicy. You know, it's fine. It's like, this is who I am. This is what I went through. This is what I learned from it. If you don't like it, move on. Right. It's like, it will help somebody. It may save a life. That matters more to me than your nasty comment.

[00:37:36] I have two questions for you. If you can go back in time to a younger version of yourself and ask that younger, not ask, give that younger version some advice, what would you tell yourself and how old are you?

[00:38:04] Wow. Eight is screaming at me. That's one of my favorite numbers. Eight, eight, eight around numbers. I love numbers. Yeah, I would say eight and it would be, hold on, you're in for a ride and it's okay because you have bigger and better things to do. Don't worry so much about what everyone else thinks or does or says because that's not what's going to be your changer.

[00:38:31] Okay. That's what I would say. And I'm going to cater this last one a little bit different. So in those two years of like that hard time for you, what was the hardest lesson you learned in those two years? Oh gosh, it was the lesson of losing. I was in a situation. I can't really say a lot about it, but just out of respect for my family, but we were basically fighting for a

[00:38:58] grandson that we had custody of already a couple of times fighting a brother for custody of him. And we ended up losing that during that. I mean, DCFS lied to us. They, we hired two attorneys. They didn't have to hire an attorney, you know, because the state placed in there and there's just so much to the whole story, but it was devastating. Devastating too. Cause I'm like, I was the mother

[00:39:26] and this is being taken away from you by the state. I mean, and by a family member, like, it's like, who does that? And I still, I think that was kind of at the end when we finally, like, I would have fought to my death. I would have fought till I was bankrupt to save that child in our family. Still would, still would have made that choice. And to walk away the loser. And my husband and I just, you know, that's kind of where he started. Hey, in the end, it's me and you,

[00:39:53] like, we got to protect us because nobody else is going to. And my heart was so broken, so broken. And it's like, when you go through those things, it makes you stronger. Yes. We don't always understand the why things are happening. It definitely showed me some lessons of the philanthropy in the future. Show me how broken these systems are. And we, I mean,

[00:40:20] money is power, unfortunately, and that's how we can make change. And so I think for me that, that would be, yeah, that, that was just the darkest times of my, I never want to get in that space again because it was the hardest of hearts. And it's interesting how we have these lessons until we learn whatever we need to learn out of that, because it was kind of a repeat of the mother

[00:40:45] of this child with what I dealt with her when she was like a teenager and dealing with that same situation. And it's funny because I didn't realize that until about three months ago, I kind of put the correlation of the two stories together. I thought, why did I have to go through that twice? Like why don't we understand the why? And sometimes maybe here we won't, maybe later, it'll be later that we understand the why's, but we're tough. Like we can go through hard things

[00:41:09] that come out the other end and you just have to keep focusing. The words I say, I'm not a crier, guys. I don't even use a cry on podcasts. The words I say when I was trying to heal was better's better. What can I do today to be better than I was yesterday? And I use that and anyone can borrow that wants it because even every day now in life, in business, in family situations, whatever,

[00:41:36] what can I do today to make it better than it was yesterday? And focus on that. It'll change. Things will change. Thank you for sharing that. That was amazing. I love that. And now you get my crazy questions because I always think they're fun, but like it's not fun. It trips people up every time. Okay. So if your anxiety had a theme song, what is it and why?

[00:42:02] Oh, let's see. Cause I never had anxiety ever before I couldn't breathe. When you're in a hospital and you can't breathe. Yeah. Oh, a song. There's something coming to my mind about why. What's a song with why in it? That'd be my theme song. Why do I have to go through this? Why? Well, I might have to make one up and give it,

[00:42:27] get it back to you on that. Okay. I like that. I love that. And what's your favorite word? Oh, right now I would say peace. I have actually, it sits above my desk right here so I can see all the time because I never felt it in my life until about a year and a half, two years ago. I is when I was like, I actually feel peace. I feel peace. And now when you feel it and you know it, that feeling, it's easier to get back. But that's my word. Peace.

[00:42:56] And what's your least favorite word? Oh, I want to say hate. And I probably catch myself saying it once in a while. So hate. We all do. It kind of rolls off our tongue. So love them where they're at. Just love them where they're at. Where can our listeners find you? Everywhere. If you have show

[00:43:21] notes, I can give you my link tree. The link tree takes you to nonprofit, to the association, to my website, to the social medias, email, you name it. That's the best way to probably get to anything you want. Perfect. And I'll put that, I'll put all that information in the show notes. Thank you. I just want to thank you so much for, you know, showing up as your authentic self today and telling us all this amazing stuff. I'm so thankful that you made it out to the other side.

[00:43:51] Thank you. And the world's a better place because you're here. So keep doing you. Keep staying here and keep doing both of you because the world needs us and we need voices. So I love that you have the podcast. I think it's so important for people to put out good messages and help people learn and grow. And podcasts are free to listen to, everybody. That's like free education. You can, there's so much information out there. You can get on information overload for sure, but you know, do good things. Be a better person

[00:44:21] every day. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hi all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex. And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys.

[00:44:49] It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.