Nancy Gilette Pt. 1: Autism Support, Parent Burnout, and Building Real Connection

[00:00:00] Hey y'all, this is part one of a two-part episode. Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Sh!t That Goes On In Our Heads, our podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we'll hear your stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical

[00:00:29] advice and heartfelt support because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion. Tune in and let's start talking about the Sht That Goes On In Our Heads. Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Sht That Goes On In Our Heads. I'm here today with the amazing Dirty Skittles and we have an awesome guest, Nancy. Welcome to the podcast.

[00:00:59] Welcome. Thank you so much. I'm so grateful to be here today. Yes, I am incredibly excited to get to know you, get to know a little bit more about you, hear your story. For our listeners tuning in, can you give us a little rundown of what you do today? Yeah. So as you mentioned, my name is Nancy Gillette and I am an RDI consultant who helps parents

[00:01:27] the parents of autistic children move from survival mode to living a life that's calm, has more clarity, a bit more understanding, which makes us kind of feel a little bit better during the parenting journey. I use a holistic approach. I've been doing this for a really long time, for 25 years. And it's evolved over the time. But the consistent thing is that the passion that I have for children, primarily autistic children,

[00:01:56] neurodivergent, are different thinkers. I've worked with, you know, children as young as three years old and as old as 72. So I've been really grateful to see a whole spectrum of ages, different abilities, different programs, all those pieces. But the consistent is the feeling that families get and also the feelings and experiences that

[00:02:25] different thinkers experience and how that impacts their quality of life. And so it's kind of been my mission of being like, how can we support people who have autistic people in their world or have different thinkers? And how can we support them in a way that's sustainable, that feels good, rather than just the constant not enough and always needing to strive for something different and something better.

[00:02:54] And it's a really interesting perspective because then I took that perspective and implemented into my own world. And which also leads to what I've created, which is again, a program that is really the path that I believe that I've implemented with so many families throughout the years to just help live a better quality of life. Because that's all we kind of want. Yeah. Right? It's just to feel good in our lives. Yeah.

[00:03:22] And not listen like your podcast, the shit in our head. So, right? And so this has been my ongoing curiosity, implementation of different strategies and my own growth as I continue to have my own journey, both parenting, learning more about myself, you know, and, you know, and teaching to others and speaking to others. When, how did the mission start for you? You called it your mission.

[00:03:51] Like, when did that become like your focus? Like you were like, I'm going for this. This is what I want to focus on. A memory that comes back to me that, that kind of triggers that I was wanted to learn more is when I had an opportunity when I was 17 years old. And I worked with this little amazing child. Like he was such a cool, he still is a cool individual, but there was something, there was like a heart connection almost. Right?

[00:04:21] And so I, if you're familiar with the autism world, we did treatment of ABA, Applied Behavior Analysis. Right? And so I got trained by someone who came from USA, CLA in California, came up to a little community up in Canada. And I was part of that team. And so I got to work with this child and it was amazing. And there were so many moments that we had together and our relationship was really strong.

[00:04:48] And one of the things that we were working on was language of trying to encourage sound, things like that. Right? And so we would do our activities and we have a great time and they have little sessions. So we do focus work for like, you know, three minutes and then we take a break. And that's usually when in that, in those days I would do data collection of how many prompts did I have to give? How many responses were needed? All those types of things.

[00:05:15] Anyway, so I was doing my data collection and unexpectedly this child came into me with nonverbal difficulty with social engagement, came up to me and he turned his head and his eyes directly looked into my soul and just gave me a look and said, hey, let's play. And I was like, pen drop. And I was like, isn't this the experience that we're wanting? Right?

[00:05:43] Is that authentic engagement that a child initiates? And that was nowhere part of the program. And I was like, there's something huge about this. And so then I just started kind of implementing, you know, now as now I've been in the field for so long, I know that is what we call is visual referencing in the RDI world is knowing that when we connect with another person intentionally is gold. And that's what changes, you know, connections, right?

[00:06:12] We know that impacts the brain in so many different ways. And so when we can teach with connection first, game changer. So anyway, so yeah, so that was the moment that sparked something in me about, oh, there's something different. And I always curious. And so then that's when I started my path, which included, you know, schooling, job placements, all those kinds of things. So it was definitely a soul connection that started in that moment.

[00:06:41] It's something I can't explain, but I just knew something profound happened. I love that though. Cause that like speaks to the passion versus the interest, right? Like you were like, oh, there's, I'm pulled towards this. Like this is something that, yeah, I love that. Do you start working with families after they have a child that's been diagnosed or are you part of like that early diagnosis? I've done both roles.

[00:07:07] However, I primarily do after the diagnosis is received. Got it. Got it. Can you like talk to me a little bit more about like, what is the play side of it look like? Like how, what does it look like? So now what I'm promoting is knowing of the intention that we need to be first, right? So one of the biggest things that I experienced was the dysregulation that parents felt, right?

[00:07:32] So stressed, reaching for like anything that would help my child just sustain regulated in that moment. And when I say regulated, I mean like a calm body, not being destructive or hurtful or any of those types of things. Because parents deal with those behaviors all the time. And that's what first triggers to gain more information, right? Because something is curious.

[00:07:57] Something doesn't feel maybe the way it was what they may have thought it was, right? And so a lot of time when I'm working with parents, they're in this crisis moment, right? And that's, I think, really important first is we need to recognize that parents are just trying to do the best they can with their kids, right? And so again, like early in my career, like I knew all the behavior stuff. I knew all the things that needed to be done. And I became a parent as well.

[00:08:26] And I was like, there's so much more to behavior management, right? Because again, we're looking at the feeling of how things feel. And so a lot of families, parents were just unsure of what to do. How do I do it? It felt yucky. A lot of parents felt not competent in how to support their kiddos.

[00:08:52] And that really broke my heart because as a parent, that's our main thing is wanting to support our kids, right? And even as us as adults, that's the main thing we wanted to do with our parents is to connect with our parents, right? I'm going to go off a little bit of a tangent because I think this is really important to the story as well. Is that, like I said, I became a parent. I did all the behavior things I was supposed to do. My kids knew what was expected. We had structure.

[00:09:21] We had routine. We had blah, blah, blah, all those things. And I still was struggling hard, really hard as a parent because the demands were so high for me in life at that time. Anyways, and what ended up happening is my mom passed away. After a very short battle of cancer for four week battle of cancer. So from the day we got diagnosis to the day she passed was four weeks.

[00:09:47] And I had the opportunity to be with her for 11 days. And I saw the deterioration so quick of a human and of a person that you love so deep. And, you know, as humans and as adult children, which we all are, you know, our parents, our moms especially hold a really huge role, right? Whether it's healthy or not, they still hold a really big role in our lives.

[00:10:13] And when you see someone die, it's pretty intense of an experience. And that made me really curious about, well, what is life about, right? And you kind of said it's connection. And in those 11 days, there was so many beautiful moments that I was able to acknowledge and take because she was surrounded by love. She was surrounded by her kids, which is what matters most for her.

[00:10:39] And, but it ended up me thinking so much deeper because on her deathbed, that's what matters most. And as a parent now, our kids are everything, right? And it's about who are the people that are really close to you. Those are the people that are going to, you know, continue to be with you within your journey. Doesn't mean it needs to be like 30 people. It can be really small, right? And so when my mom passed, it made me go deeper into understanding connection,

[00:11:07] understanding the parent-child relationship, understanding, you know, some, I know some of the conversations you've probably had with many people is talking about their upbringing and some of the trauma that's happened and how it's impacted who they are now. And knowing that, you know, us parents are trying to do the best we can. We just don't know how. And that's connection. And so first, it's about recognizing that if that's difficult,

[00:11:36] is one to take a step back and recognize, oh, who am I first? Am I just in a place of reaction? And most of us are. We're reactive to so many situations, especially when it comes to children, right? And challenging behavior, for example, right? So if everything's good, mom's doing what she needs to do or whatever, and then kid hits the brother, right? Boom! We're there and we're reacting, right?

[00:12:05] That is not connection. That's just reacting into a moment where there's dysregulation. That's not when a connection happens, right? I don't know about you, but when I'm like frustrated, do I really want to be, hey, let's connect in that moment? Mm-hmm. Right? Because my brain can't take any more information in that moment. And so it's about knowing how do I get from a different place of just reacting to children's needs or other people's needs?

[00:12:34] Because now I've taken it further, even for myself, instead of being reactive, how am I being proactive? And so when we are doing, you know, the process that I implement, first is connection is recognizing my connection with self. If I'm in a constant crisis stage, it's going to be hard to shift, right? And then once we identify that, then we do something that promotes connections and it's super simple called visual referencing, which I could go on to talk about too.

[00:13:04] I just wanted to say that little blur because I think that's really important. Yeah. Of responding to neurodivergent people. Instead of being reactive, we need to look at it from a proactive pace. Yeah. You know what I find interesting is like, because you guys are both parents, right? Nobody taught you guys this. This is, nobody taught you how to, you know, deal with your kids that, you know,

[00:13:33] might be on the spectrum or neurodivergent or anything like that. And so, like, I commend you for doing this. And even you, Dirty Skittles, like, nobody gave you a book. Sure didn't. And so, like, the more and more, you know, experts that we talk to about this, like, the more we can help people figure out they're not alone in trying to figure this out. And without people yelling at them.

[00:13:59] And, you know, it kind of filters up towards work because now, you know, these parents are also, like, in the work environment and they're managers now. And maybe they're seeing the same kind of behaviors in their employees. They still don't know how to handle them, right? Because they don't know how to handle their own kids. And so, I think that's why this is really important. Yeah. I try, with Little Nugget, like, I try so hard to take, like, a check.

[00:14:29] Like, I check in on myself, right? Like, this morning is, like, a very normal example. I was venting to G-Rex, like, you know, it's the weekend. You think, I'm going to sleep in finally. No. So, it's like, 6.30 rolls around. He's not only awake, he's waking up the dogs. He's like, we're rolling. Like, this day, you know, it's time to go. And for me, I'm not so quick in the morning, right? Like, I'm getting up. I'm hating life. You know, like, I'm exhausted.

[00:14:58] I know I need my coffee, right? So, like, there's a whole process for me to get from point A to now I'm ready, right? Like, yeah, let's roll, buddy. What do we need to do? And this morning, you know, he's a little bit older now. So, he's eight years old and he's just spit-firing questions left and right. And he loves to tell me about his stories and his Minecraft builds. And I mean, he'll go on forever about anything. And he's asking me questions. And I remember, like, I check in with myself and I'm like, oh.

[00:15:30] I was like, this is going to go one of two ways. Either I can get my shit in order real quick and I can be here for him because I want to be here for him. It means a lot to me that he wants to have me be a part of his world or I'm going to lose my shit, right? Like, I can just be like, ah, don't talk to me right now or whatever. But I try to be honest with him and I tell him, like, this morning, I'm like, hey, bud. Hey, bud. You know, mom hasn't had her coffee yet. And if I don't have my coffee, it's going to be real hard to get excited about this.

[00:15:59] Can I just have like 10 minutes? Like, let me just 10 minutes. Soon as I'm done my coffee, I'm ready. And he now understands, okay, mom. And sometimes it works. Sometimes he says, just bring the coffee over here. You know, we can do it while you have your coffee. But I know, you know, I had set a goal, I think as before even being a parent. I remember saying, you know, if I ever get to that point in my life,

[00:16:27] my goal is to make more happy memories for him than sad. And so I knew early on, I need to take care of myself. Because if I can't handle what's going on in my head, I'm not going to be able to show up for him. And it's still like an everyday thing. Like, it's not, I thought like, you know, oh, I'll go see a therapist and we'll talk through some shit and it'll be great. And then I'm fine. No. It's every day.

[00:16:56] And I do think he is neurodivergent. I think we both are, actually. So that is something that I'm learning more about. And I like that you've spoken to, you know, checking out the parents and how it can just be so chaotic sometimes. And we are doing our best. And I say it all the time. I'm trying my best with what I have right now. Like, I'm going to do my best. I will show up as my best self.

[00:17:22] It just takes me, like, 10 minutes, a cup of coffee, something to get in there. But it's hard. So, I mean, can I ask selfishly, like, for, how can I tell if he's neurodivergent? Like, is there signs that parents should be aware of? Are there things that we should be looking for and then pursuing, like, to get, like, a diagnosis or whatever that is? Like, what are some signs?

[00:17:52] Ooh, that's a loaded question. Is it? I was like, after I asked it, I was like, poor question. It's probably going to be, like, 40. It's different. You know, like, it's going to be something. Well, and it's because I have also a very different perspective of it, too. Because as you mentioned as well, is that, oh, my child may be neurodivergent. Maybe I'm neurodivergent. Right. Right.

[00:18:19] And so I think what is happening is the curiosity of why am I having such a hard time? Right. Really, when we're looking for information, it's because something's not working. Right. And so now, after 20 years, because again, when I first started, you know, 17, I was really young. So that was, you know, almost 30 years ago. Right. So that was a while ago.

[00:18:48] And we've learned so much about what autism, what neurodiverse is. And, you know, I've worked with so many other diagnoses. But what for me is that regardless of whatever diagnoses or the path or whichever, because really, in my opinion, diagnosis is information and access to funding.

[00:19:12] But now it's about how does it, so if I am neurodivergent, then what? Right. This was always the consistent piece. Oh, I have autism. Now what? When I have ADHD, now what? When I have OCD, now what? Right. So we have all the labels, but the consistent is we're still struggling to live life. Right. And so now my shift is, you know, well, first, what do you want? Right.

[00:19:40] So as you're sharing your story, one of the really important things is that you want to have meaningful memories. That's it. That's what most parents want. Right. But we put so much pressure on ourselves of what that needs to be. But the truth is, when we look back now as adults, because this is also to Rex's point of view about employment, us as adults, social environments, work environments, all those things. Right.

[00:20:06] It's about really taking a step back and be like, how do I really, what is the quality of life for me? Right. One. And two, what really matters most? So going back to our childhoods, what mattered most? For your parents to be calm. Right. So there's like more, you know, parent, I've often heard of great memories that happen.

[00:20:30] But the consistent when I hear about different brains and reflecting back is, how was your childhood? And often what we see was the reactive parents really impacted neurodivergent thinkers. Right. Meaning because we were shamed, we were not maybe right, weren't enough, too much, whatever it may be. And so then we're working through those emotions.

[00:20:58] So now as now as a parent, right, it's about showing up authentically. So I love that you said, you know what, mom's not ready for 10 minutes. Like this has been a rule in my house. Good for you for only 10 minutes. Mine's a bit longer. Right. And it's about saying, hey, I'm here to show up, but we need to work together. So that means mama needs, you know, 15 minutes. And then I would use also some different strategies to help support that transition. Right.

[00:21:28] Because I also believe calm mornings are good days. Right. I don't know about you, but when you have a shitty morning, there goes the rest of your day. Right. So again, it's about how are we thinking about how we want to be throughout the day. So does that make sense? So I know it's like the curiosity of does it meet this criteria? It's not so much my jam because it changes. People evolve.

[00:21:52] A lot of these diagnoses are based on behavior, but behavior happens in different environments. Right. So then that impacts the diagnosis. So for me, there's so many pieces to it. And, you know, I've chosen now to be in my career and just be as authentic as I can be and just say it as it all is. And so there is a value of diagnosis.

[00:22:19] But there's so much more to it than just the label, you know, kind of thing. So if you decide to do the journey and getting diagnosis, I know lots of people that is very affirming because I knew that was part of me instead of trying to fit into this box. So I know that can be an experience. But then again, it's then what? Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of a roundabout way.

[00:22:54] It resonates though because I do think, and honestly, I think it's from us recording episodes of this podcast and getting to speak with all kinds of different people where I'm like, you know, I think that is almost what makes my relationship with him so great. Right. Is that we share something that's just a little off, you know what I mean? Like there's something just a little different.

[00:23:22] And we relate to each other on that. And so I can, and he does it with me too. Like I can tell when something is not as it should be, I suppose. So like I can tell if he's having an off day or I can tell if a sound is bothering him. I could like, I don't know. Cause we, there's just like a weird, like mind to mind connection there.

[00:23:44] And so I, it makes it fun, I suppose, or easy to spot, but very difficult to work through because I share that same struggle. So it's like, as a parent, you want to be able to be like, have the answer, have the resolve, have the tool or whatever. But if you're also kind of going through that same struggle, it's like, how do we get through this? You know?

[00:24:06] But you know, I, what I have to say is just with that relationship you have with Nugget, he's a, he's really lucky. Right. Because you, you get it. And, but there's so many parents out there that don't because they didn't grow up with that. They didn't, they didn't have the tools like in my generation. And, you know, there's a 20 year difference between us and my generation. Like they, no, we didn't talk about neurodivergence. We didn't talk about, you know, autism.

[00:24:37] We didn't talk about ADHD. You know, they would call you the weird kid. They would do all that stuff. Right. And that's just what was brought, how their parents taught them. Because going back to the point, nobody taught y'all how to be parents. Especially when you have a child that has a challenging condition. And so then it comes back and you start feeling like, I'm a horrible parent. Like, why can't I get them to behave?

[00:25:07] Well, it's because nobody fucking told you how to do it. Right. Like, so like quit beating yourself up, but also realize that there's a ton of resources out there now versus what was out there even 20 years ago. Yeah. And that's kind of, Nancy, where you come in, right? Because you can help these parents. It's not the error of their ways. It's the, here, let me teach you how to teach your kids how to fish. Okay.

[00:25:37] So they can, so that when they do get out of the house when they're older, they have a better understanding of who they are and that they are not different. They're just like you and I. Right. But we handle shit differently. You know, for me, I'm the product of on, you know, adult onset ADHD. Okay. Nobody taught me what it was.

[00:26:03] Like, after enough reading and figuring it out and know I don't need to go get it diagnosed by some doctor because I already know what's going on. But like my parents wouldn't have, like my mom probably would have figured it out. My mom was a nurse. And, you know, going back to your point, Nancy, about, you know, losing your mom. When I lost my mom, it was horrible. That connection between your mom, really difficult.

[00:26:26] And I wish that she had been around even later in my life because maybe she could help me diagnose some of the things that were going on with me mentally. But like, I'm super proud of both of you for like figuring this out. And Skittles, you're doing the best job you can. That's my only guarantee. He's an old soul. He really is. He is. He's just an old soul. And he makes me laugh. And now I'm going to get off my soapbox. Yeah.

[00:26:56] So many good things in there. Right. And I guess the thing that I want to share is Skittles, when you shared that I just get him. I can almost like figure it out. And to me, that's what parenthood is. It's a gift to be connected to your child in that way. Right.

[00:27:20] So please, like, I encourage parents to be, yeah, it's supposed to be like, that's one of the spiritual bigger pictures is that connection between mother and child. Right. Like you said, G-Rex, it's a profound experience, but you can't put it into words. Right. And so, so one no, like, I encourage you to feel that. I encourage you to be like, yeah, man, I get it. Because what a beautiful thing you can be in this corner. As, you know, G-Rex said, we didn't have that growing up.

[00:27:49] And that caused a lot of those negative stories in our head because we were left to figure it out. And, and often not the best way. Yeah. So, so what a beautiful gift you can give your child. Right. And the thing that kind of hit on the head is you notice that dysregulation was happening. So maybe the environment is too loud. Maybe overstimulated with information, too much talking, whatever it may be.

[00:28:18] But what you're seeing is dysregulation. Right. And what I encourage parents to do, it's not about stopping it. It's about how do we guide back to being calm? Because that's the consistent as we also become adults. Yeah, man. Life is tough. Shit happens. But if I become dysregulated and lose control, that's when big things kind of may happen in a negative way.

[00:28:42] But if I can regulate and sustain somewhat regulated so I can problem solve and make the best choice in the moment, that's enough. Right. Right. Because we can't predict the future. Right. When we think about anxiety, it's actually an overactive imagination because we're not future tolerance. Nobody, you know, other than certain individuals. But you know what I mean? So it's about, right, all we can do is honor what we did in the moment. And did it work for us or did it not?

[00:29:10] And what did we learn from it? Right. So there is a process that, you know, and that's another thing that I teach parents is about, okay, so when your child's dysregulated, what are the strategies that we can implement? And those are different to every individual. But the process is the same. If a child's dysregulated, my first thing is not to stop, but how to help calm. That's it.

[00:29:36] And then we help problem solve and we're collaborative rather than trying to fix it. Because often what we do as parents is we overcompensate and we fix for our kids. And then we get mad when they don't know what they're doing. Right? But wait, we haven't created that opportunity. Right? And that's the connection piece that I talk about as well in my trainings that I do.

[00:29:58] And I talk about like three major strategies that support that engagement to promote collaboration. Knowing mom's got my back. Knowing I can do it myself. Because that's the consistent too. Like as adults, right? When we look at mental health or whatever stories are going on in our head, they're really negative. Very strong. Takes us down that path. Right?

[00:30:27] Engaging in behaviors that are maybe not the best. Right? And the reason why is because we don't feel good enough about ourselves. Right? But imagine if a parent slowed down, implemented different strategies, and let's do this together. Game changer. Because then your children starts believing in self. So lots of times, you know, parents are like, how can I teach my kids confidence? You can't teach it. You have to experience it.

[00:30:55] But how do you experience it? In a way that is safe. Because we put, it's risky. Right? To do things. Right? And that's what kids end up, especially neurodivergent kids, is kind of holding it in. Because when they try, it may not be successful. Mm-hmm. And that's not the child's fault. It's because we haven't set up the supports to be proactive to help teach and learn in that situation. Yeah.

[00:31:23] So what I've noticed throughout the years is, oh, a lot of our stuff that happens in childhood really impacts us as adults. And knowing that if we can support our children as they grow up, that's how we're shifting the adults as well. Right? Because again, nothing's, you know, again, spiritual belief is nothing separate. So it's about, again, how do we support that long-term growth to do a quality of life? So as, again, just celebrate when you're a nugget. I love that you call them nuggets.

[00:31:54] Oh, my God. It's already, yeah. So further ahead by having you taking a pause, recognizing, hey, mom needs space first, and then we'll do this. Right? And just being aware of your own actions. That's huge. That's number one thing. That was therapy. Number one thing. That's what I learned. And the thing is, too, is that you've set him up for success. Right? Right?

[00:32:17] So as he gets older and goes further along in school, or once he, like, leaves the house and goes out into the adult world, you have set him up for success. But think about how many parents out there that don't know how to do that. Because, once again, there aren't any fucking books. I mean, there are books. Yeah. Yeah. It's overwhelming. And there's other podcasts out there, right? But, like, the first three words you hear, if you guys ever remember Ferris Bueller's Day Off and The Teacher?

[00:32:46] And all you hear is, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, the first 30 seconds, like, you are asleep. So, like, having people on like you, Nancy, like, helps us to give those parents some resources and some ideas of how they can figure out maybe to do better, not just for themselves, but to impart that knowledge down onto their kids.

[00:33:11] And, you know, it can be as young as three years old and as old as, you know, 26. But as we learn, it's our responsibility, even for those of us that don't have kids, to be teachers. And, you know, and with an empathetic heart. Because, you know, everybody's built differently. Oh, go ahead.

[00:33:38] Sorry, I was just going to say one of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Ross Green. Children do well if they can. I believe all humans do well if they can. Right? Is knowing that when things are not working, right? It's about what is not working in the situation and how can I support. Right? I go big on behaviors communication. Right? So when you see your child having those difficulties, I love that you're thinking, oh, is this too loud of an environment?

[00:34:07] Right? Because it's not about the child. Right? A child is responding to whatever's going on. Versus when we were younger, like G-Rex and myself, it was shut up. Right? Don't make a noise, right? Yeah. It's shut up. Get in a corner. Go outside. Totally. Don't come back inside until the lights come, you know, go off. Exactly. Like, don't talk to me and I don't care if you're sad, but like suck it the fuck up. Totally, right? Yeah. But it's changed.

[00:34:37] And I want parents to realize that you're not broken. You're not. Mm-hmm. The thing is like nobody ever taught you. So let us help you. Let's give you some guidance. Let's make you feel less alone in this chaotic world. Because on top of everything else, right, dealing with your child's behavioral issues, dealing with maybe they're having issues at work, the world's a shit show right now. Okay?

[00:35:04] So there's a lot of other things happening in these people's, in your lives. And so like, if you're being super hard on yourself, stop. You know, take a beat. Take a beat for yourself. And realize that you are a good person. But you are also learning. And maybe learn from your kids. Because I don't know, kids are super damn resilient. Yeah. They're authentic.

[00:35:39] Somewhere along the line, I chose to just be honest. You know, in ways that are appropriate for him and like, you know, that he can understand. So like, I just, I won't hide it. And he doesn't really let me either. Like if he knows, because he'll, I tell G-Rex this all the time. Like he'll ask me like, hey, what's wrong? Or like, what's the matter? And I'm like, no, I'm fine. Or I'll say, I'm just tired. And he'll know that's bullshit. And he'll be like, I don't think so. Yeah. Like what's, what is it?

[00:36:08] So I have just chosen to be honest. Because that was one of my goals too. Was like, you know, growing up, I didn't have much of a different upbringing than what you guys are mentioning. It was very much like, my biggest shit was like, it's not a big deal. Or you're crying over nothing. Or, you know, this isn't, you're, you're blowing it up. Like it was kind of that. And so my goal being a parent was let him feel those emotions. But it is important to me that he's able to get through it.

[00:36:36] Like I don't want that to be the end of the world for him. And I think that's where I'm at. Like, so now he's eight. And the struggle has been something you mentioned where parents ask you, how do you teach confidence? And he very much doesn't, he doesn't love to put himself out there. You know, if he thinks he could fail, he doesn't want to try. You know? And so now it's become like, and I get it. I'm with you, buddy. I know what that feels like.

[00:37:03] And I can't like, you know, hate on him for it. It's just like, I know later on in life, if he doesn't push himself to try something, like what kind of an adult would that be? To just never really try and, you know, just kind of do whatever your parents do for you, right? Like, no, I don't want that either. And so that is one area that we're working on to figure out, like, how can I make that work? How can I get him to try?

[00:37:33] You know, it's okay to fail. Right. One, you know, there's so much. I could go on and on. So just let me know if I go too long. Cut it out because I can go on for a long time about this beautiful conversation. So one, you know, both at what you were saying is there's no parenting, you know, to do this and to do that. Their resource doesn't exist, right? Us as parents, that's what we want.

[00:38:00] Us as also caregivers or professionals or whatever role, we want the how to do, right? And it's impossible because every situation is so dynamic, right? But the consistent is his brain, right, is saying to put myself out there is too scary. It's maybe that the past has been is it didn't go well, right? And think of ourselves. Yeah, all of us don't want to do uncomfortable things.

[00:38:30] I think about my own journey in entrepreneurship, like, you know, even the last year of how much I've grown, how much I've put myself out there, how I'm no longer like scared of not scared of what people think of my perspective. Because, you know, I thought this way for 20 years and I've worked in a professional capacity where it's behavior focus and compliance, right? And I believe humans are so much more than that.

[00:38:58] So, you know, to go my own path is scary, right? But the way that we do that is trust in self. And it's a long journey of life. And we have to continue to take the risk, reflect and learn from it. That's the consistent practice, right? But as helping kiddos, it's one thinking of like, what can my child do competently? So what can my child do well?

[00:39:24] And just do a slight increase of the mental challenge. Often what we do is we put too much of a challenge, mental challenge there, right? It's like saying, oh, I'm going to run 5k, right? I'm going to, tomorrow I'm doing 5k and I'm going to be awesome. No, if I do 5k tomorrow, I'd probably die, right? So it's about knowing to break it down into small chunks. And that's why there's so many running programs of like,

[00:39:52] do a 30 second run and then walk two minutes, right? And you see those programs that break it down. And then maybe as time goes on, eventually I'll be able to do the 5k run. It's the same thing with growing confidence, right? It's a slow and steady process. It's about knowing how do I safely increase the mental challenge slightly. So in RDI, we call that an edge plus one. So that the child can experience success.

[00:40:22] Instead of, oh my God, I'm completely overwhelmed. Because often, so like I think of like sometimes school situations, right? Learning math concepts, for example, right? Kids just keep on going and it gets harder and harder. And we haven't even supported some of those learners that can't get the foundation. And then the curiosity happens. Oh, why do we have the behavior when we're doing math? Well, we probably too much of a stretch maybe for the child. So how do we bring it back to where a child can be successful and experience that?

[00:40:52] And we keep doing that and we keep on doing it. So one thing could be like, hey, buddy, mom needs 10 minutes, right? To have my coffee. Maybe you'll notice, you know what? Mom just needs three more. That's a stretch. And then you give being like, hey, thanks for giving me more time. That was awesome. I could see what you were being patient with your body, for example. That's how we continue that stretch.

[00:41:18] So if there's like playing sports, for example, maybe if that was something a child wanted to do, but felt really uncomfortable, well, we start just kicking the ball, right? Is it something that the child likes? But we just go big, right? We're like, here, go into soccer, right? And then we wonder what it falls apart. Yeah. And then who does it become about? It becomes me as a parent because I pay for it. We got to go. What are people going to think of us if we don't show up?

[00:41:48] Or if you have a challenging behavior, well, then it's not about the child. That's an adult problem, right? Because then that goes into, oh, there's some other stuff going on, right? It's not about the kid. So it's about understanding and separating those two and learning some of these concepts to be like, right, doesn't this make sense? Instead of going full on, let's play soccer. Let's kick the ball. See if you can sustain it for 20 minutes before thinking, let's go balls to the walls and let's join a soccer team, right?

[00:42:18] So again, it's just about like slowing down and really thinking about because again, our society is so fast, so many things coming out of us. And that's why the world's crazy. But when we can make an intentional choice to be like, no, thanks. I don't want that. To help support what I want to feel and what I want for my children. Then that is what helps us feel better about our choices.

[00:42:47] And that's modeling for our kids to be like, you know what? We don't need to be five busy five nights a week. That's too much for mom. Oh, that makes mom cranky pants, right? My brain can't handle that. And when we can share, that's the consistent growth. That's the confidence because they're seeing other people do it. Rather than kind of maybe what you are saying, Skittles, is your emotions are too big to be quiet. It's not that big a deal.

[00:43:15] Because you now spent probably 10 years in therapy working. Literally. Yeah, right? And I've spent, you know, 25 plus years trying to work through some of my children, my child's stuff, right? I'm a first generation Canadian. So a lot of like, you know, cultural stuff have impacted some of my child experiences. And I had to do some really deep work.

[00:43:42] But it's because of the neurodivergent world has taught me a different way to be. RDI taught me a different way to be. I've just seen, been involved in so many different families. And I'm like, no man, you don't have to do that. Or yes, you're doing amazing. Knowing that your kid loves drawing and you provide opportunity for your child to draw. That's amazing. Who cares if he doesn't play sports? Not his role, not his journey. Right. Right? Right.

[00:44:11] We're so in this checklist of things that need to be done. Constantly. And it messes with our brain. Like you can't see, but behind me and it's backwards on the screen is I have visuals. Thank you again, neurodiverse world. All over my, in my environment to help remind me to sustain grounded. So this one says, don't be busy, be intentional. So then I can think about, right? What matters most? Right?

[00:44:39] I need 15 minutes so I can be a better mom for you. Right? And even like, I love that you said, you know, let's look bigger at counseling because he knew I needed to do some work. That's a piece too is there's not just one approach. It's a whole mismatch because we're unique. Every soul is unique. We need to start honoring. We have the supports out there. We have the tools out there. We just first need to remember ourselves.

[00:45:07] What actually works instead of doing what we're supposed to do. Right. Because that's just too much. No wonder we're in such a crazy world. Our brains, our human bodies are meant, not meant to take so much and constantly. Plus, you can put a parent's. And you know, if your child has some similar neurodivergent tendency, the energy is phenomenal. You have to sustain. Okay? And that's energy sucking.

[00:45:38] Right? And so knowing, oh, what resources are out there. Right? We're in an abundance of information and different tools in our world. So it's about utilizing them. So part of my journey too, very recently in December, I was diagnosed with severe Crohn's. And you know, so I've been dealing with that for the last year, two years, especially last year, because I was very sick. And you know, it was like, what could I use?

[00:46:06] So acupuncture, naturopath, I'm on biologics now. Right? I really believe in plant medicine. You know, we have so many resources to help my body and me create the quality of life that I want. I didn't know I was going to get a diagnosis of Crohn's. Right? And we can assess of why that happened and what the symptoms were. But regardless, it's part of my journey. Because we can't predict what happens in life.

[00:46:32] But we can choose to how to respond to it. Yeah. Right? So now Crohn's is part of my life. I have to be very aware. Right? That's okay. Doesn't mean it just looks different now. Right? Now I actually have a reason to say, no, I'm not going out because my body can't handle it. Right? And I don't see what the problem of that is. Right?

[00:46:55] I'm quite happy now to stay at home and do arts and do things that fill me up rather than thinking I need to be on all the time. Yeah. Which I think is part of probably the Crohn's. But, you know, there's again healing in that journey too. Because if we look deeper at Crohn's, we also know that's a lot of unresolved emotional issues. Right? Right. I got lots of trauma that I have to work through. But I've done it all here. Now it's like the body healing.

[00:47:23] And that's why I believe like enzymatic work, puncture is really great. Right? Because I'm starting to like trying to release some of that nervous system stuff. But it's a practice. Hi all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex. And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys.

[00:47:57] It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.